Happy Pill Tommy and his lovely wife, Goofballs for Breakfast Janet, are still banging like bunnies, only now the drugs are making them want to renew their vows. The rest of the Gavin clan is engaging in a little pre-spending of the Dead Korean Wife Cash Fund, and Tatum O'Neal shows up long enough to make us wonder how many other errant drunken Garritys are wandering around with cigarettes dangling out of their mouths. Sis Garrity claims to be in town just to visit her beloved family, but seeing as how she hates everyone and the feeling's mutual, it's pretty clear she's there for money. Too bad Dead Korean Wife only left Pa Garrity $50K and he owes the estate $20K. Bye, Tatum! Inside the firehouse, Chief's wife is getting worse and even cuts her own throat; Franco thinks he loves Laura and Laura (stupidly) believes he might change (dumb-ass); Garrity's extremely stupid and we like him that way; and He Loves the Gays Mike discovers a strange lump in his scrotal area. Garrity hilariously administers his own version of the cough test and concludes that Mike, indeed, has a strange lump. This, of course, leads to Mike's going to the doctor and, of course, getting a hard-on while he's there, which, of course, has Mike journeying down the road to Am-I-Gayville. Outside the firehouse, it looks like Sheila's girlfriend Debbie really did give her that shiner a couple weeks ago, because when a spat escalates into a full-drawn battle, Debbie beats the ever-loving shit outta Sheila. Three guesses as to whom Sheila's gonna call about that one. Okay, you only get one guess. Make it good! Lou gives Dani his secret cash fund so that she can get out of her contract. Does anyone even remotely think she's not completely playing him? Yeah, didn't think so. In the final minutes of the show, as Tommy and Hot Cop Brother Johnny chat about how $30K isn't going to go very far, little red-headed Connor gets hit by a car. And dies. And there's really nothing more to say about that.
Tommy holds a flat-screen TV up to the wall while Janet directs him as to where to place it. Apparently, this is one of many purchases they've made with their anticipated giant Mrs. Ng inheritance check. Janet tells Tommy to move "a little to the left...not Ted Kennedy left." Tommy gets disgusted and puts the TV down, rubbing his lower back. He explains that he wanted to put the TV on a different wall. Janet reminds him that they were hoping to buy the apartment next door and get rid of that wall to make more space. Tommy complains about the money they're spending, and then moves on to complain about the décor, especially the empty birdcages and the ugly hot-air balloons on the wall. They are pretty goddamn ugly. Janet starts rubbing Tommy's lower back, and he stops complaining to moan over how good it feels. Janet walks away and motions Tommy to follow her. Tommy figures out what she means and says that the kids are in the apartment. It doesn't stop him from following Janet into the bathroom for some afternoon delight.
Johnny sits at his desk and looks at a magazine about boats. Another detective walks in and asks Johnny to help him work a case. Johnny expositions that he's just waiting for his father's check to come in, whereupon he will quit the force. He adds that his father's estate lawyer claimed that the Gavins have "a sizable payoff" coming.
Tommy and Janet finish humping and pumping on the bathroom sink. Janet says that their lives are amazing right now, and that she's not just talking about the sex. Tommy says that it's like magic. Janet decides that they should renew their vows in "a little ceremony." Tommy thinks that sounds like a lot of work, and suggests that they just get matching tattoos or something. Janet tells Tommy very seriously that it would be a fresh start, and that they could put everything else in the past. Tommy asks whether she really means "everything," and Janet says that she does. Tommy reluctantly agrees, and Janet tells him that the ring maker will be there in ten minutes. Tommy, who is supposed to be the master manipulator, is shocked that he just got duped.
The ring maker has arrived, and he's explaining the meaning behind each of the stones. Janet likes all of them. Tommy tries to ask which one is cheapest, without actually talking about price. He finds out that the onyx is the cheapest. Janet wonders what one ring with all four stones would look like. Fucking gaudy is what it would look like. Tommy gives her a look of disgust, but realizes he can't really say anything. Tommy pulls out a tiny stone and asks what it is. The ring maker, in a tone usually reserved for talk of bowel movements, says, "That's an agate," and that it means "dirt, soil, the outdoors." Tommy learns that it's cheap and tries to sell Janet on it, because it means that they're common people getting back to their roots. Janet gets up and walks off. Tommy yells at the ring maker for not bringing cubic zirconium or something, and then runs off after Janet.