It's 7:28 AM. Lou wakes up in bed with Sandra, who is clearly a morning person, if you catch my drift. Once Lou realizes where he is and who he's with, he sits straight up in bed and asks if he fell asleep, and what he's going to tell his wife. Sandra says that it might be for the best, because Phyllis is going to find out sooner or later. The alarm starts buzzing, and suddenly Sandra is speaking with Phyllis's voice. It was a dream! Phyllis asks angrily what he was dreaming about, because he had a big smile on his face. Lou says he can't remember, but Phyllis was in it. Phyllis keeps giving him shit until Lou explodes that she could at least wait until he's had a cup of coffee before bitching at him.
Teddy walks into Tommy's house carrying the paper, his robe hanging open. Tommy asks if he went outside like that, with his "joint hanging out." Teddy says that's Tommy's "shame-based religious upbringing rearing its ugly head." Tommy points and says, "Speaking of ugly heads." Teddy says he has no problems being naked, and Tommy invites him to go upstairs and look in the mirror.
Newbie tries to run out of his mother's house quickly, but his mother (Paul's mother from Mad About You) chases him down to give him his biscotti. She makes sure he's wearing a clean shirt, and then tells him that he should call her friend's daughter, Theresa Gilardi. Newbie protests that all the Gilardi kids are ugly, and that they used to call her brother "Gilardi the Retardi." I know it's wrong, but hee! Ma Newbie says, "That's unkind. Retarded people have it very hard." Newbie says he's not taking Theresa out, and tries to walk off. Ma Newbie tries to lay down the guilt trip about how she's cooking and cleaning and slaving for him and he shows no gratitude. Newbie walks back and says he'll call tomorrow. Ma Newbie says she already promised he'd take her out tonight, and gives him another kiss.
Tommy asks Teddy to take the dog out a few times a day, and to use the back yard. He also wants to make sure the dog has fresh water, and has specific instructions about feeding. Teddy complains that next Tommy will ask him to French-kiss the dog every half-hour. Tommy points out that Teddy isn't paying rent, so he has to earn his keep somehow. Teddy agrees to do it, and then mumbles something about "Daddy's little baby." Tommy says that it's the kids' dog, not his, and walks out. Teddy chuckles.
Laura walks into the break room and, after taking some shit from Lou, announces that someone's been using her bathroom. Chief sarcastically offers to call City Hall and set up a press conference. Laura points out that she has her own bathroom for a reason, and that she doesn't want to find another stinkbomb in there. Lou says that his shit smells like the perfume counter at Saks. Laura says that she'll assume that it's an oversight and not a political statement. She leaves. Lou bitches about what they have to put up with now. Garrity admits that he was the culprit; he had fruit cocktail for breakfast and he couldn't even make it upstairs, so he snuck into Laura's bathroom. Newbie admits that he used it too, because he forgot, but adds that it's really nice in there with "candles, and soaps, and real towels, and little floor mats." Garrity adds, "And it smells like the beach in there! Or, well, it did until I pooped." I laughed for like twenty minutes at that line. Maybe it was the delivery. Chief tells them he doesn't want to hear Laura's complaints anymore, so they all need to stay out of her bathroom.