Rescue Me

Episode Report Card
Djb: B+ | Grade It Now!

Lou, Garrity, Chief, and Franco sit in the stands of a hockey game, Lou plot-developing (pretty late in the game for that, no?) that he wishes he hadn't bet $500, seeing as the NYPD looks like it has a pretty good team. Chief reminds the other guys that, considering Tommy's miraculous recovery from his fall, he's obviously in some kind of zone. He predicts, "This thing is a lock." Slam dunk, baby.

Back in the locker room, the suited-up guys sit as Tommy stands up and says he'd like to say a couple of things. First off, he wants everybody "to give 110% out there tonight." He then has everyone hold hands and offers a prayer to God asking for them to pretty please play a great game tonight. Confused looks abound.

Out on the ice, Tommy refers to the center of the other team by his first name, inspiring this Todd to surmise, "Oh, you're gonna play Mr. Nice Guy now?" Todd offers, "Win or lose today, we win." When another FDNY player asks what that means, Todd responds, "You'll see." And so the puck is dropped and the hockey montage begins. NYPD goes up 1-0. And then 2-0. And then 3-0. And then Tommy gives one of his own players a penalty for fighting. Garrity bemoans that he's going to lose $25 because of this, which causes Lou to set Garrity's leg on fire. Awesome. Even more awesome is that the NYPD's victory is currently happening off the ice, where a fleet of tow trucks pull into the lot and start towing the FDNY's cars. Back inside, the game has drawn to a close, the final score being NYPD: a million, FDNY: a truckload of stolen happy pills. Give or take a few goals. The players line up to offer each other a perfunctory chorus of "good game," the other players telling Tommy to shut the hell up every time he congratulates the opposing team. Back in the locker room, the prayers continue because antidepressants also make you love the Lord.

Out in the parking lot, the FDNY guys stare at their lack of cars with some confusion. They spy a tow truck leaving with the last of them, and Garrity goes chasing after his, screaming, "That's my car." Except that it probably isn't. The opposing player -- "Todd" -- rides up in the shotgun seat of a red automobile of some kind, and he tells Tommy that they got him. Tommy tells him that this is a great gag, adding, "Really, this is one of the best gags I've ever seen." Todd gets pissed off and drives away.

Ending montage! Back at the Tommy's place, the kids sleep soundly, and Janet and Tommy lovingly put them to bed. Then Tommy has sex with his doped-up wife. Then Laura reads a poem and has sex with Franco. Then Danielle and Ken (for these, finally, are their real names) play cards because sex is for whores. Then Mike walks with a girl because gay dudes are like catnip. Then Tommy and Janet have sex on a floor somewhere because another unlikely side effect of this weird-ass miracle drug is that you lose your bed and discover a fireman's nightmare's worth of mood-setting candles.

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Rescue Me




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