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Nothing to see here, folks. Move along.

Welcome to this week's recap of Alias and a brand new tradition. Instead of firing up a few hundred martinis, I've decided to start a trend that I'm hoping I can continue throughout the rest of the season.

Ten Things I've Learned Since Watching Alias:

  • If your plot sucks, blow shit up with CGI effects.
  • If your story sucks, make major characters go after each other like bitches in heat.
  • Secondary characters rule.
  • Primary characters take on characteristics that make the viewing public want to KILL THEM.
  • Getting drunk on tequila does NOT elicit huge hangovers.
  • When in doubt, make stuff so confusing and convoluted that no one in their RIGHT MIND will be able to figure it out, nor will they care.
  • Removing all interesting tertiary characters who might, on the off chance, make people care what is happening on your show is, apparently, a good thing.
  • No one likes Mrs. Vaughn.
  • Marshall is a spazz.
  • Vaughn has no dick.

And in case you missed it in the opening paragraph, I AM SOBER. I watched this whole mess DEAD SOBER. I am SOBER while recapping. No, I'm not in AA, I'm just out of liquor. And Julio's on strike. Or on vacation. Or something. Ethan? I kicked him to the curb when I discovered his little penchant for stapling things to his nipples. No, I don't know WHY he does that, I just know I don't WANT TO SEE IT. I am currently between movie stars at the moment, but I am taking applications.

All of this might indicate to you that this would be a perfect time to get rip-roaring wasted. Especially considering that your friend and mine, Wendy Kroy, was busy putting away the better part of a fifth of lighter fluid while we watched this episode in tandem from our respective abodes. I would have to concur that being drunk, drugged, hit over the head with a plank, or drawn and quartered would have been far preferable to sitting DEAD SOBER through this serious yawn-fest of an episode.

But I'm just too damn lazy to go to the liquor store.

Oh, well, let the recap begin. It's gonna be a short one, people. Trust me. DID I MENTION THE SOBER?

Previously on Alias: The show didn't suck.

Moscow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Land of borscht, Boris, and blinis. You know the drill. People lolling around on green grass in what I'm taking to be Gorky Park. William Hurt? Your career is calling. Remember, way back when, when you used to make GOOD movies? Yeah. Good times. So, Russian people. Tchaikovsky music on the soundtrack. Summer Russian weather. Look. Up in the sky. It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a -- um, blazing fireball a thousand times more brilliant than the sun? Hmm. Gorky Park, she doth explode in flames.

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