Revelations
Hour 1

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Get ready for your miracle!
We interrupt the airport scene to bring you some more fake news footage about some Greek sailors searching for a ferry lost in the Aegean Sea. But there's no sign of a ship sinking. It's like it disappeared into thin air! Without a trace! Sorry. I tried to make that exciting, but, much like the show, I failed. Still, this is an important plot point to remember for later.

Back in Mexico, people are still staring at the shadow on the mountainside. Natascha McElhone tries her damnedest to look thrilled by this "miracle." I wonder if the writers realized that the average viewer is probably so busy staring at Natascha's stunning cheekbones that he or she won't even notice that the milagro de la montagna story leaves a little to be desired in the excitement department. Okay, it leaves a lot to be desired.

Professor Lampley is still nattering on about the fate of the world. He says the last sound heard on earth will be that of the oceans boiling as the sun goes supernova. Cool! I want to hear more gruesome stuff like that, but some dumb-ass student raises his hand to ask, "Is there no room for God in this equation?" After thinking it over, Lampley gives a very good response: "I think there's room in science for everything and everyone, even God." And I agree with him. Still, who asks his prof questions like this one? Isn't that something you work out with your friends over bottle tokes?

The Greek sailors are about ready to give up their search for survivors when they encounter a baby floating on what looks like some debris from a ship. The baby smiles winsomely as we cut to the opening song. It's a real "sweeping orchestral music" moment. Come to the think of it, practically every moment in this show thus far has been of the "sweeping orchestral music" variety.

Our first biblical quote of the evening comes to us in the form of an onscreen graphic that says, "The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before the great and terrible day of the judgment come." (Joel 2:31) Wait. There's a book of the Bible written by someone named Joel? I have a minor in Religious Studies, and I didn't know that. But that's most likely because I've always been distracted by other, funnier, names like Obadiah and Habbakuk. Hee! Habbakuk. Someone at the Canadian network I taped this from made the rather unfortunate decision to include another graphic onscreen. It's advertising the show Extreme Makeover Home Edition and looks like it's supposed to have something to do with the Bible quote. This doesn't exactly enhance the dramatic tension.

It is morning, and a father is hassling his daughter Olivia because her pants are cut too low. I think she's also sporting a temporary tattoo, although the lighting in the scene is so dim that I'm just guessing from the context. Dad orders his daughter to wash off the tattoo, and if that makes her too late to catch the bus, so be it. She will have to walk to school. He also threatens to make her attend church. Man, if their church is anything like the one I used to go to, I feel pretty bad for her. Come to think of it, though, the odds of her attending services held by some pompous 174-year-old Estonian guy who's in love with the sound of his own voice really aren't that great. So, actually, I guess it's me we should be feeling sorry for.

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