Episode Report Card
97 USERS: A-
To Double Infinity and Beyond

First we have to deal with new and improved Charlotte. She’s unknowing stepping into her half-sister Emily’s shoes, donning a slicker, more mature look and sewing seeds for her own revenge, playing daddy’s little girl for Conrad, even if daddy isn’t really her daddy. Charlotte tells the Governor she’s so proud of him, that she bragged about him to some helpless stranger in Paris. But she doesn’t stop there. She marches straight to Patrick’s room, where he’s standing in nothing but a remarkably flimsy towel and a cascade of glistening water drops (see what I mean about the unnecessary sexual tension thing?), and accuses him of being Victoria’s mister. He tells Charlotte she’s his sister, but she’s already committed to hating him so she says that if Victoria doesn’t destroy him, she will. Wait, what? She doesn’t even want her mother’s attention. Who is this Charlotte person and why doesn’t she seem to understand that revenge needs to come from a deep, dark place in one’s eviscerated little heart?

Speaking of eviscerated hearts, Emily’s is about to get another giant gash. She awkwardly approaches Jack as he arrives back at the Stowaway and he explains that once he saw the love that a child has for their father in his own son’s eyes, he understood why Emily did what she did. He finally (finally!) kisses her with the passion of two whole seasons and then it all changes. Apparently, it was all in her kiss and he feels nothing for her and she should probably leave now. He turns away from her with tears in his eyes …so wait, he does love her? Is he pushing her away so she can exact her revenge? What is happening? He certainly delivers a convincing performance when he shows up at her house later to ask her to stop her revenge plan and then tell her to finish her it and get the hell out of the Hamptons… forever. It seems, that after losing pretty much everyone he cares about, he’s losing it. Understandable.

It’s almost time for the Memorial Day party, but first Victoria visits Patrick, who’s now staying at the South Fork Inn, a.k.a. the sexcapade hotel. Seriously, dude. Stop exuding sex all the time. Patrick says he has to go back to the city and be a "freelance painter" which is apparently a thing. Victoria assumes it’s payback for her previous abandonment. He says no, asking "what kind of person would do that?" Nope. No way this guy is actually related to Victoria.

At the party, Emily does her due diligence and introduces Ashley to some doctor she met at a charity event. Boom: connected. While Em is busy letting the Graysons know a fox has entered the hen house, Daniel introduces her to Margaux, who’s running her father’s publication and condescendingly asks Emily what she does for a living “besides throwing great parties.” Duh, she gets revenge like a like a ninja while you run daddy’s magazine. Also, did we miss the part where Daniel has no job and is pretty undesirable himself?

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