Episode Report Card
Kelsea Stahler: A | 71 USERS: B+
Jack Attack

Nolan is also sticking his nose where he shouldn’t: technology. He wants to find out more about Patrick, and despite his vow to stay offline, he can’t help himself and starts up his laptop like a dying man drinking ice cold water in the desert. It leads him to Florida, where he meets Patrick’s ex-wife, who becomes enraged at the mention of Patrick and only agrees to tell Nolan her story when he offers her a fat wad of cash. Of course no amount of cash could convince the Revenge writers to spill the ex-wife’s beans before a commercial break and several other scenes. Typical.

Instead, we’re treated to Victoria’s own private Mother Boy pageant. Patrick is talking her up, telling her she’ll own the Hamptons once more (right, and she’ll grow purple tentacles, become a sea witch, and try to destroy Ariel in a giant whirlpool of doom). He then says he needs to leave the Hamptons, but Victoria asks him to stay and he immediately changes his feeble little mind. However, immediately after promising to stay, Patrick sells one of Victoria’s paintings for "travel money" without her knowledge. Sheila acts as the reluctant buyer because Patrick knows she’s committed larceny before and he’s willing to hold it over her head. See? This is why knowing what Nolan found out in Florida would be helpful.

But we don’t find out just yet. Jack follows Emily to the junk yard where they find the shell of Conrad’s Ferrari, which has the driver’s side airbag removed. It’s clearly a move to keep evidence of Conrad’s guilt out of the police’s hands. Jack manages to take a video of the car before a truck takes it away and he plans to use it to get Conrad convicted. That’s not good enough for Emily (she wants the moon, after all), but Jack is prepared to tell everyone who she really is if she tries to stop him. She saves this guy’s life with her secret and this is what she gets?

At least she gets some satisfaction from seeing Victoria actually working (and being forced to pay Emily kindness in front of her new boss). They have their usual civil tête-à-tête, where Emily pays over-the-top compliments and apologies, Victoria brings up Daniel’s temporary home at the South Fork Inn, and Emily offers to give Victoria her first commission. She says it with such biting sweetness, I’m surprised she didn’t offer to frame the contract and put it on the fridge for Victoria, too.

Despite the solid burn, the gallery party is a bust because Daniel doesn’t attend and Em can’t force him into a public reconciliation. The puppy is growing up… and talking to the old hound about his relationship issues. Conrad says the thing that kept the fire alive between him and Victoria was fighting without ever surrendering. Daniel believes him and decides not to go to Emily -- hello, there’s fire, but there’s also a dearth of sex and love, and a plethora of lovers on the side. If that’s marriage, I don’t want it. Still, the puppy continues to paw his way to the top, telling Conrad he only fixed the Ferrari investigation to save the family from scandal the week before Voulez launches. Daniel’s not so good at taking marriage advice, but he’s not doing so badly at building his own legacy – something he’ll need to protect like a mother Grizzly.

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