It's Gonna Kill Me, But I'll Do It

Episode Report Card
Cindy McLennan: A- | Grade It Now!
A Very Buffy Birthday

East Hampton, New York: And here's where tonight's implausibility parade (thanks, LambyToes2) steps up its march. Bridget gets to the bus station, removes her personal effects from the locker and scurries out. The camera zooms in on the bus station security camera, right before we cut to Agent Victor "Guyliner" Machado and his under-agent watching Bridget remove her gear from the locker. The Hampton P.D. just emailed the Feds this clip. Agent Guyliner salivates. "Only way she could know about that bag is if her sister told her. Siobhan knows where her sister is. We're gonna find Bridget Kelly." This could only be more faboo if they had Jack Bauer open up a "socket" such that they could constantly monitor a live feed directly from the bus station.

Beach House: Apparently, back in the darker days of his actual marriage to his actual wife, Andrew arranged for Siobhan to have a private fashion show with Mary-Kate and/or Ashley Olsen. There's no other way to fanwank Bridget's wardrobe choices this week: the Olsen twins have started a Hamptons Hobo: For Skinny Blonde Twins, By Skinny Blonde Twins beachwear line. And Shiv -- already knowing she was going skip out on her own life and leave her recovering-addict doppelganger in her place -- packed up all the femme fatale clothes and shipped them to Paris. It was her backup plan, see, in case the hit man failed, which he so did. It should only take a couple of days for Bridget to strangle or drown in these dowdy duds, or failing that, die of humiliation -- assuming there are sufficient mirrors in the Martin "cottage." Am I right? Only one thing is missing to give us the full effect of this "outfit" -- a montage of Bridget singing something Stevie Nicks-y. I'm thinking "Rhiannon." They want us to think the real point of this scene is that before Bridget even gets to hide her bag, Andrew surprises her by arriving early. But c'mon, Show. We're onto your subliminal Olsens shilling.

Beach, Exterior: When Andrew says he can't wait to get out on the boat, Bridget says, "I'll pass on that." She's thinking of what she assumes is Shiv's death, but when she realizes Andrew is taken aback by her reaction, she pleads pregnancy nausea. Oh, Bridget! By now you should be telling Andrew you got your period and the pregnancy test was wrong. Thank you for further complicating your already incredibly complicated life for my vicarious enjoyment! When Andrew gets a text message from work, he feels all guilty about it. Whatever he did to mess up the demanding Shiv's last birthday seems to have been work related. I bet Olivia was responsible, somehow. Anyhow, Andrew answers the text then shuts off the phone for the weekend, just in case we weren't swooning hard enough, already.

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