Wow, I just cannot care about this show, right now. I begged for it, mind you. Before a new TV season, Editorial sends the TWoP writers a list of shows that will be featured on the site and asks us our choices (in order of preference). I'd already sworn to myself I wouldn't do another "weecap" of an hour long drama, because it's just too much for too little, you know? But then there was Ringer, and two Buffies. I'm pretty sure my return email was something like, "Please, please, please, please, please." It may have also contained phrases like, "I was made to cover this show," and/or "This show was made for me to cover," and now I'm all yawny, tired, and just plain annoyed that I have to watch it. I don't know how a simple holiday hiatus killed my love, but it has, at least, cloaked it. Enough about me, though. Let's get to the show.
Juliet's mother crashes at Park Ave and is abominable to Bridget, because, like everyone else, Catherine (Andrea Roth) thinks Bridget is Shiv. But later, Catherine is abominable to Juliet, as well, even though she doesn't think Juliet is Shiv. There's some security cam footage that could lead one to believe that Juliet has faked the charges against Mr. "Logan" Carpenter. Henry and Bridget find this disturbing. Catherine finds this reason to burn her daughter's baby photos.
Meanwhile, Bridget is reminded that Shiv liked anagrams, and so she starts mixing up letters of every word she comes across, to try to figure out what Shiv was up to, before she "died." She calls the Hotel Pivoine, in Paris, and has enough fake knowledge to get the concierge to confirm Shiv has been a guest there, under the name Cora Farrell, but without Cora's credit card number, she can't get confirmation of the date of her stay. She even finds some mystery NYC chauffeur, who seems to have a lot of Shiv/Cora knowledge, like, for example, that Shiv was looking for Bridget months before they got in touch, and also, that she was often packing heat!
Since Shiv is quite alive, thank you very much, she's in hot pursuit of Henry aka Tool Belt. While Tool Belt doesn't realize the woman living with Andrew Martin is Bridget Kelly, he does think Real!Shiv is Bridget and turns her over to Agent Machado. Since even identical twins don't have identical fingerprints, it doesn't take long before Machado realizes Shiv is Shiv, which could provide cover for Bridget-as-Shiv, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Before that, Shiv pawns the ring Andrew gave Bridget for his sixth anniversary with Shiv, and then meets up with a fake i.d. dealer to get a new passport. From talking to Tyler (whom Bridget has already called) she realizes her Cora Farrell alias has to die, and asks for a new, fake passport. It's when she throws out the old passports that Tool Belt (who has been trailing her) catches on, and gives Agent Guyliner the heads up. Shiv lies to Guyliner that she hired NA Charlie/John as a P.I. to track Bridget, and that NA Charlie/John is the one who led her to the fake i.d. dealer -- the implication being that the fake i.d. was Bridget's.
By the end of the hour, Bridget has confessed to Andrew that she "lost" her ring. Andrew recovers the ring, because when you buy a $200,000.00+ ring, it has a serial number, yo. Also by episode's end, Shiv makes Henry watch as Bridget enters Park Ave. Meanwhile, out in Wyoming, Office Jimmy is getting beaten up in prison, and lying to Machado.
I'll be back with the full weecap, tomorrow. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then join us in the show thread, but please don't make me think of a quippy reason for doing so.
Okay, I know I was a little down-in-the-dumpy about this episode in my recaplet. I enjoyed watching while writing this up much more than I expected to, so I'll try to be more of an upbeat Buffy. Maybe I can fake it 'til I make it back to a place where this show is fun. Cross your fingers for me. I'd do it myself, but then I couldn't type.
Park Ave. Lobby.
Bridget [on the phone]: Are you there,
God Malcolm's Voicemail, it's me, Margaret Bridget. I'm not at all afraid that Agent Guyliner will ever get ahold of your cell phone, or that anyone in this lobby will overhear me, so I'm not bothering to maintain my "Shiv" persona. Anyhow, the Boston-based Hotel Pivoine is closed, but there is one in Paris. And also, Malcolm's Voicemail, why does Malcolm never answer his phone? *beeeeeeep*
Meanwhile, over at Gramercy Park West, Henry "Tool Belt" is having his mind blown by Real Siobhan..
Tool Belt: Who are you? Who? Who? Who? Who?
Siobhan: Sugar-Lips, it's me. I broke us up to keep us together, m'kay. But I never stopped loving you for a second. Both Gemma and Andrew were onto us.
Tool Belt: You're wearing the scarf I gave you at the Relic Toss.
Siobhan: Relic Toss? Was that an episode of Buffy?
Tool Belt: No, remember how you used to make anagrams of the places we'd meet for our red hot affair? Relic Toss = Cloisters. Now let's make out.
Siobhan: Okay, but only for a second. Now I have to run.
Tool Belt: "I'm so confused. You miscarried the baby so I backed off and now you're backing back on, but what I don't get is if you're also fronting."
Siobhan: Notice the pretty way my eyes are tearing up. That's for your benefit, Sweet Cheeks. Meet me at 7:00 tomorrow at our place in the Village, and all will be revealed. You figure out if I mean 7:00 A.M. or 7:00 P.M. I've left the Jumble behind and moved on to logic puzzles.
Meanwhile, back at Park Ave. Bridget arrives home to find "Tainted Love" cranking, skank boots lying in the foyer, a broken wine glass, a stray dog -- wait, that's a fur coat, and an empty bottle of wine.
Penthouse Elevator: DING!
Juliet: [stepping out of the elevator] Hi Bridget-who-I-think-is-Shiv!
Bridget: If you're not the drunken floozy blasting this music, who is?
Juliet: It's my mom, LOL. Lemme you show you.
In the bathroom, Catherine (Andrea Roth) is soaking in the claw foot tub.