Well, my bouncy little Ringlets, how does one sum up a bowl of spaghetti? For the recaplet, let's just hit the highlights.
Why-Oh-Why, Wyoming: Remember, at the root of this whole mess is the murder of Bridget's stripper-pal, Shaylene Briggs. Bridget wasn't the only one close to Shaylene. Agent Guyliner was her lover! At first, she was just his C.I. (confidential informant). He persuaded her to go undercover at Macawi's strip club, and she did, but she did a little time under Guyliner's covers too, and he fell in love with her. Guyliner tried to get Shaylene to quit working at Macawi's -- he even proposed they run away together. Being another hooker with a heart of gold, Shaylene didn't want Guyliner to sacrifice his career for her, so she asked that he give her one more shot of getting evidence against Macawi. Macawi then dismembered Shaylene. When Guyliner identified her body...parts, he learned Shaylene was a month pregnant. It's strongly implied Guyliner is the baby daddy, but I'll hit that in the weecap. Anyhow, Guyliner's back in Wyoming, but there's now an ATF agent in charge of a joint ATF/FBI task force and he's harshing Guyliner's mellow.
Paris: Tyler Boytoy is not only too stupid to live; he's too sweet to live. He's so concerned about protecting Shiv and the baby (he doesn't know Shiv's expecting twins), that he steals Shiv's flash drive containing evidence against Martin/Charles and contacts the SEC.
Olivia finds this out from her person inside the SEC, and orders Tyler to come to New York. The writers decide to make Andrew look worse than he's ever possibly going to turn out to be, and the lighting and camera crews play along for good measure. Seriously, Show, why didn't you just put him at a campfire and have him hold a flashlight under his chin? Anyhow, Andrew tells Olivia to do whatever it takes to stop Tyler from turning on them. Olivia then tells Andrew that Malcolm is the one who dug up evidence of their Ponzi scheme, and must have been Bridget-as-Shiv's informant. Andrew is not amused.
Meanwhile, thanks to Malcolm, Bridget has come to the conclusion that living with Andrew might not be the best idea, and moves out of Park Ave. She knows Tyler is coming to New York, so she goes to his hotel but is intercepted by Henry before she can catch up with Ty. Tool Belt that he is, Henry is still enjoying the fact that Bridget doesn't know he knows she's Bridget, so he lays a big kiss and some B.S. story on her. I'm sad to report Malcolm had already gone to Tool Belt for -- get this -- help in protecting Bridget-as-Shiv. Tool Belt reports this to real Shiv. Real Shiv blocks her phone number, calls Malcolm, pretends to be Bridget, and pretty much tells him to get out of her life. I'm crossing my fingers that this phone call will be the clue Malcolm needs to figure out that Shiv is still alive. That said, I don't know how long Malcolm has to live.
Bridget returns to Tyler's hotel. When she sees Andrew approaching, she hides out in her cab for a little while, and then enters. She finds out Tyler's room number, but when she gets to his room, he's dead -- lying in a pool of his own blood. She drops a dime on the murder, then gets back in her cab and calls Malcolm to let him know what's happened. She only reaches his voicemail though, because Malcolm is on the phone with Agent Guyliner, telling him he's ready to testify about Macawi kidnapping him. He hopes that if he and Guyliner can put away Macawi, Bridget will be free. When he finishes his call, Malcolm sees that he has a new message from Bridget, but just then, there's a knock on his door, it's Andrew! Dun dun dun.
I'll be back with the full weecap, tomorrow. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then join us in the show thread. It's bulletproof.
A lot happens in "You're Way Too Pretty To Go To Jail," so let's get right to it, shall we? We open in Paris, at night. Shiv is suddenly showing (in a pregnancy way, not in a "show, don't tell," way). Tyler Boytoy comes to her room with flowers and apologizes for being a...Ugh. Due to the current level of our national discourse, I've been trying not to use words as a feminine connotation as slurs, but he just up and says one. What to do? What to do?
Tyler: Cindy, I got this. I apologize for being a jealous douchebag when Siobhan's brother took the call. Lying naked. In her bed. Why would I not believe my angel baby mama? I just want to take care of our family.
Shiv: Muahaha. Did you bring the goods on Andrew?
Tyler: Here's a folder full. The consistent rate of return is suspicious, but it's not a smoking gun.
Shiv: I totally hid that smoking gun...um never mind that. I have a flash drive full of numbers that look totally different.
Tyler: Great, let's go right to the authorities.
Shiv: But that would interfere with my other evil plans to get all Andrew's money before the feds seize it.
Shiv: I mean, the flash drive isn't here, silly, and certainly not in the purse where I just stowed that folder. Verily, I say to you, I locked the flash-drive in the hotel safe.
Tyler (to audience): Does she think I'm a Tool Belt, or something?
Shiv: Here's a book of baby names. Let's just concentrate on the three of us, tonight.
Recapper: First of all, Shiv, don't you mean "four of us"? You are pregnant with twins...
Shiv: Sydney, or whatever your name is, since neither of the babies are Tyler Boytoy's, by using "three of us" I'm actually lying to him -- less.
Recapper: Those are some impressive moral gymnastics. I'm still laughing like a loon at the title of your baby name book, though. Designer Labels. Really?
Shiv: Candy, you're such a peasant.
Recapper: It's Cindy, Bad Buffy.
Shiv: Sorry, Cathy.
Meanwhile in New York, it is also night. Andrew is still explaining the Ponzi scheme to Bridget-as-Shiv. Olivia handles the details, but it was all his idea. They made a series of bad investments. There wasn't enough to cover expenses. He used new investors' money to pay out existing investors. It was supposed to be temporary, but then they economy collapsed. They got in over their heads. However, he's now started a high frequency trading (HFT) program. They can use the extra profit to dig their way out of this hole.