Previously on Road Rules. Theo and James in the Shasta, driving at night. Theo tells James that he wishes he had been involved in more sports in high school. He thinks that maybe he was afraid at the time. Or maybe the other kids didn't want you playing, Theo. Ever think of that? We cut to the ski jump competition -- back when Holly was in her full bitchy glory, remember? -- where Holly admits that Theo "flies" but asks the group, "How many times did he land it?" Theo comes back with, "I'm class act. I can land it." Cut to a shot of Theo jumping all of about seven feet, and then promptly falling like the "Agony of Defeat" guy on ABC's Wide World of Sports. Theo is a Wide World of Stupid. And...Road Master. Intro. Bad music. They write the song that makes the whole world cringe. "Things are a little different..." Points. Handsome reward. Fake Max Headroom. It's all like one big nightmare that never ends. One more reason to hate Mondays. Well, that and Everybody Loves Raymond. ["But -- aw, forget it." -- Wing Chun]
Graphic of Stupid. "Theo's Big Adventure." Aw, man! I was going to use that as a title. Bastards. The boys are playing basketball in a gym with some other boys. Theo is dribbling -- the ball, not saliva like usual. He shoots. Bricks. Air-ball. Theo is pretty bad. He floats that he never played football and such: "Like, I didn't do, like, a lot of, like, real, real, like, brave kinda outgoing stuff. I just grew up kinda scared, I think. Like, some kids threw the javelin, I had a pen in my hand. You know, I was writing things." Yeah, like, "Theo is the Best!" and "Van Halen rulez!" (You know, someone really ought do a "like" count to go with the "dude" count.) He goes on to talk about how his dad was all old and died when Theo was young and so he never really had a role model. He yodels that if he'd had a better male influence that he'd be "more..." and he starts to say "manly," but they cut him off and edit to a shot of the Shasta parked at night. I wonder if that was some B/M statement or just a pure fuck-up. On one hand, B/M doing something pointless and vaguely mean, and on the other hand, B/M being really sloppy and incompetent...Hmmm. That's a real toss-up. Interior, Shasta. Msaada and James and Kathryn smile strangely as the Road Master makes his impending bloated presence known: "Theo. I visited your dream last night. You know, the one where you're being smothered!" Theo makes a strange face as Holly eats. I told you: always with the food. Seriously. I think she might not be human. The Bloated One continues: "I'm so sorry, Theo, but tomorrow, your dream comes true. Take a deep breath." Email. Blah. "Nighty-night," Theo says along with the TV to Holly. Holly laughs in between bites of her necessary Robot Sustenance. "Your favorite line," laughs Msaada, off-camera, of course. See, I knew that phrase would only catch on with idiots. Whoa: Theo is the target audience for his own show. Pretty ironic. They look at email and suddenly James yells, "Key West, baby!" and the Shasta eases on down the road. A truck full of suck.