Road Rules
2 Negative Atmosphere

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Urine The Money

Okay. Poetry break over. Same shot I swear they've used before of sunset over a swampy-looking thing. The kids arrive at the boat as MayorMcMehgan explains that each diver will attempt to dive to their "description" depth, grab the flag which will be attached to a rope, and surface. The flags, when put together, will make a puzzle leading them to their next clue. Also, each flag is worth a "coin," or a thousand dollars. Yes. Yes. Thank you for the explanation. Without the painstaking exposition I'd be lost, that's just how complex these games are. The boat takes off as Karate Kid music plays, for some reason. I guess B/M abandoned the salsa theme the minute some Kitaro band offered them a few bucks to play their crazy bamboo flute shit. As split-screen versions of the kids put on their wetsuits, Mehgan, and I really can't believe this, gives the exact same explanation she gave twenty seconds ago, one more time. She mixes it up at the end by adding, "A black-out is obviously a disqualification." Yes. I would imagine. Holly floats that while yesterday they were in forty feet of water where they could see the bottom, today they're in two hundred forty feet of water. "So you can't see the bottom." Man, Holly must have studied Oceanography in college. I only wish B/M had studied television in college. James gets ready to take off for his thirty-two-foot dive. Mehgan warns him not to risk a black-out or to burst an eardrum, "okay, buddy?" I'm getting a bit of a Picabo Street vibe from Mehgan. I'm just sayin'. Mehgan teaches James some tip about clearing out his nose by snorting salt water. We watch James throw salty-snot into the water for a while. No wonder the ocean is so polluted. We got Road Rules puke and snot and pee all up in it.

So Theo watches lovingly from the boat, staring at a television monitor, apparently having gotten over his earlier spat with James. Mehgan once again warns James about blacking out, making sure to collect her hundred bucks every time she hammers home the danger of a black-out from B/M later. (Shit! I go back to the beginning of the tape to make sure I'd been spelling the mayor's name right -- I haven't. Quick Find/Replace. Thanks Meghghghan. Go slap your parents for me.) Three screens. Theo watching. James diving from the raft. Shot from way deep in the water up. Theo talks to the television like his mama talking back to her stories. Only instead of "I cain't believe you're marrying that scumbag Tad!" it's "C'mon. C'mon. Dude. Kick kick kick." James does a good job of not ascending too quickly, and comes up with the flag. Everyone cheers. B/M editors still sticking with the three screens. You go ahead, people. Do whatever you want. I told you I've given up. Theo mumbles something as we go Timecode again with Msaada on one side, going for twenty feet, and Kathryn on the other, going for twenty-one. Crappy music. No tension. B/M proud of their watercam. They both make it. Cheers. Msaada puts the two flags together on the boat -- and it already looks like the clue is going to be some obscure country's flag. Back to the Timecode as Laterrian goes for twenty and Holly for twenty-three. Mehgan takes a Picabo-esque interest in Holly, giving her extra-special tips before she dives. Mehgan wants to dive. Anyway, they both make it. Holly close-talks to Mehgan about having wanted to go "farther" (ooooooh), while Laterrian, panicking, hits Mehgan, who is simply trying to slow his ascent. Then when he grabs the raft he lies, "That was fun." Heh. On the boat, Holly tries to advise Theo to use weight belts, which help with the descent, but Theo declines. Holly looks sad as someone else also tries to convince Theo to use a belt. As the camera moves around, we are treated to a quick shot of Holly picking her wetsuit from her vagina. Regarding the belt, Theo says, "I just don't want it so easy all the time." Vagina-picking over, Holly goes floaty and complains about Theo being so stubborn about the whole dive. Theo is now on the raft and voice-overs, "Oh, I'm pumped. I'm cool. Nobody knows it, but I've been urinating on myself. I'm pretty much on, like, a urine high. I'm ready to dive." That's it! I quit, MBTV! Jeez. Mehghghghghghgan babbles. Theo dives. B/M editors do their thing. The kids watch the TV. Theo grabs the flag, voice-overing that he's out of air...but that's about it. He comes up fine. Msaada watches. Theo surfaces. Everyone says a secret "damn" that he made it, but they quickly cover and cheer and clap. James exhales. Holly lies, floating that she's glad Theo didn't hurt himself. No cheek star. Has the disease cleared up? Did she buy the right salve? (And while we're asking questions, what happened to the fucking Real World mechanical dog?) B/M continues to try to force a Perfect Strangers-type happy ending for each episode as Holly here says that she's proud of Theo...even though a minute ago she was complaining about him...and picking at her vagina...which isn't really relevant but I just like saying it.

The kids put the six pieces together and it indeed makes a flag. The kids don't know where it's from, though. DaveHolmesJames floats, "I know this flag, but I don't know where." Msaada guesses South Africa and they think she's right. FloatyEternallyStuffed-upLaterrian deadpans one of the funniest and truest lines of the season, "We see the flag and knowing all six of our ignorant asses, we're not sure what country the flag's is for." James and Theo hug each other too enthusiastically. Laterrian floats, "Holy [beep]." Msaada jumps into James' arms as the others hug. Wouldn't it be funny if they were wrong and the flag wasn't for South Africa at all, but actually, like, Saskatchewan or something? (Not that a trip to lovely Saskatchewan would be bad, people. ["And it would be a shout-out to me." -- Wing Chun]) A very happy Msaada floats, "Oh, god. What is there to think about going to Africa? It's absolutely amazing." (May I just cynically point out here that B/M chose to show only the two black cast members after announcing a trip to Africa?) Everyone is still jumping around and, man, Msaada is short. Theo talks to the James, saying something about how a month ago he was in Louisiana taking a shit on the same old toilet. "And here I am going to South Africa, dude. We're some lucky kids, yo. We're some blessed friggin' kids." So we close with a big finish as we get the shot of Theo diving for the flag, over which Theo floats: "If we set our goals to, like, the impossible, dude. If we set 'em, like, almost to the impossible and we score 'em. Dude, the pride we earned there, just in trying for that, is worth everything." Okay. One: I thought pride was a sin. Pride is not a goal, Theo. Pride is not what you strive for. Someone else (was it Holly?) talked about them taking away her "glory," too. These kids are whacked...yo. And two: Theo called us "Dude." Twice. I feel sort of honored and ill and melancholy all at the same time.

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Road Rules




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