Road Rules
A Day Out On O-Town

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B/M x 2 + H2O = Zzzzzzzzz

Cap'n Ron, talking to six-year-olds: "You need to go zero-two-seven. Okay, you're pointed at sixty degrees right now." Hee. Theo throws off compass bearings with the powerful vacuum in his head. O-Town is sailing and we see the kids' boat way ahead of them. Oh, yes, Road Rules will indeed find a way to fuck that up. Don't worry.. Cap'n Ron starts to clean up strewn ropes but James and Theo quickly run to impress the Cap'n and help. Cap'n Ron just walks away. One of the O-Town boys does some schtick with the yellin' about sailing and my cat picks up the phone and tries to cancel our cable. Instead she fucks up and end up ordering Forces of Nature on the pay-per-view. Stupid cat. So the Incongruous Fiddlin' of Bad Competition begins as Laterrian notes that the boyz are getting "closer, yo." Which in nautical terms is slightly closer than "closer, dude." Montage of jibbing and hoisting and winching. Reminds me of the closing-night parties at the Renaissance Faire I used to work at. Sailing. Sailing. One of the O-Town boys starts singing and quickly stops, realizing that if we hear him sing without filters and vocalizers and computers making the voice palatable, no one will ever buy the album. Boyz closing in. James tells the girls that they're "catching wind," which is sort of, like, part of the whole sailing game, isn't it? I think the O-Town boys threw their two "girlfriends" off the boat because I haven't seen them the whole race. Jettisoned them like they used to do horses to lighten the load after having them pull the boat through the doldrums. Everything I need to know about sailing I learned from Jim Morrison poetry. Sailing. More sailing. Kathryn having trouble navigate. Theo yells, "Let the jib out." Yes, it has to pee. Man, there is really nothing happening in this episode, folks. They're sailing. The boy band is pulling closer. That's it. "There's something going on, dude," chaws Theo, as the O-Boat begins to pass them. Theo is standing on the front of the boat like Jack on the Titanic. "I'm the King of the Hicks!" Our kids are all yelling at each other and one of the boyz floats, "I think we're going to pass them and never look back." Baby, bye bye bye.

Suddenly, I love B/M because they proceed to give us a one-minute-long sequence with no talking, just a shot of the boyz passing the Road Rules boat. Thank you, B/M. Hey, I have a great idea for a good mission: mime! Make the kids mime! A good old mime-off. And I'm not saying that because off all the pain it would save me having to recap the broken mumblings of morons. Oh, and there are the two O-Girls. Just sittin' around, waiting to see if the band is really going to take off like B/M promised. You know those boyz are getting their asses dumped the minute O-Town's first album debuts at number 489 on the Billboard charts. It's not a pretty future for these pretty boys. "Hi, welcome to Old Navy." "Hey, did you used to be in that fake band?" "Um...cargo pants in aisle seven." G of S. "O-Town Passes the Road Rulers." The boys cheer because they pass Road Rules...and also because they just got pubic hair and that's always exciting. They make it even worse when one of them gives just about the gayest high-five I've seen since Siegfried and Roy beat Lance Burton and Danny Gans in water polo. O-Jacob tells the camera that victory is close, and that he can smell it. No Jacob, that's just Theo. On schedule, James immediately starts complaining. "[Beep] it man, I wanna win this bitch, dude. I'm not going home a loser." Oh, yes you are, James. Don't you always? Sailing. Sailing. Bad Music. Commercial. I've never been happier to see Fred Durst shilling his new special at the Playboy Mansion. Wait, Fred Durst is doing a...never mind. I'll fast forward to the new Coke spot. At least Coke doesn't wear a Kangol.

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Road Rules




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