Road Rules
A Day Out On O-Town

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B/M x 2 + H2O = Zzzzzzzzz

Hi! Sadly we're back. My wonderful fellow recapper Pamie, who is in town visiting, walks into the room to see a couple minutes of Road Rules. She promptly pats me on the head, chuckles, and walks out. Damn. The show dissed by the chick who had to watch Get Real, Young Americans, and now Gilmore Girls. That ain't good, y'all. So O-Town is in the lead with less than half-way to go. Kathryn, who has gone down below (she's always going down, I told you) explains to the camera that while they are heading straight for the target, the O-Town fuckers are using a "zig-zag" method to better employ the wind. She describes the method as "up and down, up and down," something she obviously knows quite a bit about. So now "Road Rules Makes A Move" as the makin' a move music starts we see that our kids are indeed closer. The one cool thing about this race is that the closer they get to the finish line, the closer we are to the end of the show. Go Team! Sail like the wind, boys! Now James steers hard to the left behind the O-Boat and Msaada and Kathryn, lying side by side on the bow, wonder what's going on. I'm wondering why Kathryn and Msaada are lying together so snuggly alla sudden -- fuck the race. O-Ashley wonders what's going on...with the boat not with Kathryn and Msaada. He's not interested in that sort of stuff. Theo yells, "Stay strong, Jim. Stay strong." Yes, once again employing a line from that magical night in the hotel with James.

More sailing. Sailing. The Music of My Constantly Increasing Drinking Problem. O-Town pulls away. The O-Cap'n explains that they now have to head to the "Red and White L.A. sea buoy." Cap'n Ron explains the same thing to a very confused Holly and Kathryn. Why they picked those two to navigate is beyond...oh wait, aside from Msaada they actually might be the two smartest on the boat. Yikes. So now the G of S informs us that this segment is called "Where's The Buoy?" Indeed, the kids come upon a yellow buoy, get confused, and immediately start yelling at each other. Holly goes crazy Scaryteeth and says, "Racing a sailboat is the most jackass thing...they've ever thought of." While I enjoy any bitchy comments about B/M, she and her cast-mates are the ones who can't find the right fucking buoy. Not B/M. Now, I'm no pirate, but didn't the Cap'n just explain that the buoy is "Red and White"? L.T. mumbles. James mouths curse words and punches the air. O-Town is way ahead. Holly continues to blame B/M: "There can't possibly be one straight [beep] competition." Well, not with James and Theo around. ["To say nothing of the O-Townies." -- Wing Chun] Sad music. Staring. Holly floats, "I'm sitting there trying to tell people 'this is not the way we should be going,' but nobody is listening to Holly." Huh...oh I'm sorry, Holly, could you repeat that. I wasn't listening. Cap'n Ron subtly tries to help the kids. They just all stand there with there arms open, wondering where the buoy is. I'm wondering where the closing credits are. O-Town boat. They find the buoy. Back to the RR boat. Cap'n Ron makes me fall in love with him when he crustily says, "When I was your age I would have died to have an opportunity like you guys have. You sit here and you piss and you moan about it, and that isn't the way it's supposed to happen." You had me at "piss," Cap'n. You had me at "piss." James voice-overs that the group dynamic is not good. Through the magic of editing, the kids find the buoy, (they probably just did what they should have in the first place and followed the O-boat), and "buckle down" for the final stretch. James floats that he likes it when someone pushes him and around and "lights a fire under [his] ass a little bit." All right James, keep your weird little fetishes to yourself, alright? Thanks much.

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Road Rules

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