Road Rules
A Day Out On O-Town

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B/M x 2 + H2O = Zzzzzzzzz

So Msaada steers and the kids yell "dude" a hundred times as James almost loses a finger on the jib, whatever the hell that is. Sailing. Sailing. The kids are running around and yelling and saying that they can still win and "dude"s are flying and suddenly it's like the climax of Wind, but without Matthew Modine -- which in retrospect would have made Wind a much better film. Sailing. Laterrian floats that the kids finally came together as a team after nine weeks. I thought it was ten last week. Whatever. G of S. "The Home Stretch." Yee-haw. O-Town tacks, turning left. Classical music starts. Sailing. Theo yells about the O-Sails "shaking" and we read that Road Rules has taken the lead but has not tacked yet. So the kids do this big tacking and jibbing thing and everyone's yelling and Msaada's steering but something goes wrong. Msaada voice-overs, nearly in tears, that she over-rotated the wheel and now they have to make a full circle and everything's fucked. She says that they're "drifting into a dead zone." Honey, you've been in a dead zone since the minute you walked onto the Shasta.

Back to O-Town. They do more furious sailing shit and "get the wind." They congratulate each other very sweetly. Something's rotten in O-Town. Overhead shot of the two boats. One is turning right behind the other. Everyone is yelling "Go!" Pamie walks into the room again and begs me to turn it off. I apologize, hand her cotton balls for her ears, and twenty bucks for putting up with this. Just as the kids are close to the O's, a sail comes loose and flaps furiously in the wind. O-Town is jumping up and down and the kids fix their problem and continue the race, the O's in the lead. More sailing. Furious sailing. It's "exciting." One of the O-Town girls yells, "I'll hold it while you crank it! I'll hold it while you crank it!" Nothing needs to be said. Sometimes it's Just. That. Easy. We see that they're approaching the harbor. It's a close race, actually, but O-Town wins. The Music of Embarrassing Defeat. Shot of the Road Rules kids, sad. James voice-overs that they came in thirty-seconds behind the boyz. Sadness. Sadness. The boyz start chanting "O-Town! O-Town!" Homo says "O-Town." "O-Town!" Exactly. Now the boyz are hugging and howling and yelling. "Oh my God, talk about a race. Talk about a race," says Billy or Hank or whichever fucking boy-band dude this is. Don't tell me what to do, jackass. The kids clean up the boat as L.T. tells the camera that they complained and bitched and then when it was time to "suck it up," it was too late. It wasn't for Kathryn that night in the bathroom, though. (No, I'm not ever going to let that die. Ever.) Everyone is on the dock now, and our kids semi-congratulate the coolest boy band in the world! The boyz once again yell the name the name of their band -- the world yells back, "Who?" As Mayor Jann hands over a huge fake check to O-Town, James rubs his face in defeat. Pamie asks, "Why does O-Town need twelve thousand dollars?" Oh, just wait a few years until O-Town is O-ver. Just wait. One of the boys takes the fake check saying, "We proudly accept this, but for the Road Rulers giving us a chance to come out here and get out of rehearsal, and have an awesome, awesome race -- it was so close -- we want to give them half." Our kids cheer and look happy because they're getting money and no one seems to realize what shits they were indeed being. They're just jazzed for the money. I'm just jazzed because I'm on minute twenty-eight. Rock! So James now floats that his ego suffered when they lost to the boy band and that having the kids give them half was a "miracle" (the creation of life is a miracle, James, not a boy band giving you money on a shitty TV show), and goes on to say that they didn't deserve it the way they were "trash-talking." B/M then hands him a fifty and he adds that the boyz are "sweet" and he wishes them the best of luck. The Music of My Dry Tear Ducts. And...credits! Yee-haw!

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Road Rules




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