Road Rules
A Square In A Social Circle

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James And The Giant Truck

Seven-Up. Taco Hell. "Sixty-Six, please." Eve 6 ad for 1-800-COLLECT. (What the fuck?!) Amanda Peet sex movie. Teen Choice Awards. Herbal Essences gang-bang ad. JC Penney. Undressed, the best show ever. I'm serious.

Okay. We're back, as James yells again, distracting a poor B/M PA who lets the boom mic slide into the shot. A fat dude comes over and introduces himself as Calvin, the new Mission Mayor. A truck full of their competitors drives towards them and the Graphic of Stupid tells us that this is going to be the "Monster Truck Face-Off." They will be going up against "The Georgia Greeks," a bunch of frat and sorority kids from Georgia University. Holly floats that they're also dealing with a bunch of "debutantes," so she's not that worried. Well, we all know that Holly absolutely shines in competition against other kids, so this should be a cakewalk for her; competition brings out the best in sweet Holly. Oh, did I say "best"? I misspoke. The kids and the Greeks shake hands. Oh Jesus. Little B/M Boxes of Suck introduce us to the Greeks one by one. Man, I don't care who they are. Well, they all sound pretty idiotic. Natalie. Alicia. Julie. Mark. Corey. Phillip. I think the guys are "Theta Chi"s, but that could just be a new drink at Starbucks, I'm not sure. Mark says that Chia Thighs or whatever they are, are very "bloodthirsty." They are also needy enough to fuck sheep in order to gain acceptance. James floats that since he is also part of the Greek system at Berkeley, he is in his element. I don't know what frat James is in, but having grown up in Berkeley, I had friends in many of the frats up there. They are the most disgusting places I've ever encountered, yo. One night we showed up to play poker at one of the houses, and in the foyer, someone had taken a shit. Seriously. Not a dog, a person. And the worst part, when we asked what it was, they all laughed and just stepped over it. It was still there a week later when we showed up again for poker. Glorious tradition, the Greek system. (I also know about some of the stuff my friends did to get into the frats, but children might be reading.) Calvin talks about how to drive the car "just gas it, and break" and the B/M staff goes nuts with effects and we jump/stutter cut to the locker room where James says that both groups are here to win money but that it is a "one shot, one kill, opportunity for them." James is now doing something involving miming shooting a bow and arrow and I'm ready to give up. Calvin leads the kids out of the dressing room -- wearing hideous yellow t-shirts. Laterrian voice-overs the rules, which have been the same since the fucking beginning of the season: "We complete the mission, we get six points. And each point's worth, like, a thousand bucks." Like? So maybe not quite a thousand dollars. Maybe it's worth nine-hundred fifty? Nine-seventy five? Whatever they have lying around? A B/M key chain? Better stick to having Msaada do the exposition from now on.

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Road Rules




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