Road Rules
A Square In A Social Circle

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James And The Giant Truck

As the girls take off, they show the most bored-looking crowd since...well, last week's event. Kathryn gets stuck and James pulls the little car free. An audience member points listlessly. An audience member smiles, then drinks a beer. Theo jumps around. Kathryn and the Greek Ho hit targets (flags). B/M editing staff uses twelve screens again at one time. More driving. More cheering. Someone honks outside my house. It's my friend Peter. He wants me to come to a party. A tear rolls down my cheek and I put my hand to the glass, wishing I could go outside and play. Kathryn wins, eight to six. Holly shoves her ho-ho butt in the camera, jumping on the little truck. "I won fifty points," voice-overs Kathryn. "I was pretty slick." Ew, I don't need to know about your, you know, girl problems. Visit a drug store. So it's one hundred to fifty, Greeks in the lead. The Drag Race is next, Calvin announces, ordering a pizza at the same time. One of the Greeks asks, "Which one of y'all's gonna lose?" Ha! That's a dope psyche-out maneuver, Chip. Does that work during frat parties when you're trying to figure out who gets to put the roofies in the cute freshman's drink? Theo talks to the camera, saying, "This is kind of like a 'sub car,' or a 'mini car,' but I'm just gonna have to deal with that. You know, everybody's gotta start back somewhere." Um...yes're right? Anyway, the Greeks psyche their boy up as James and Theo chaw, "Go big, or go home!" Isn't that a fast food restaurant slogan? (I'm purposefully restraining myself from mentioning the obvious homoerotic overtones of that little saying. Oops, I just sort of did by mentioning that I was restraining myself from mentioning it. Hm. That's ironic.) Oh. The race is just a five-second straight shot. Theo waves. Holly screams. Theo wins. It's all tied up. Wow. That was "exciting."

In the Greek locker room, one of the dudes says, "We need the stakes higher, because if it weren't that way, we'd come in here and take control...We need a little adversity and a mountain to climb." But I'm pretty much translating from, like, Polish or some shit because I can't make anything out through his drawl. Theo is a fucking linguist compared to this guy. James's event is Monster Truck, and he has to drive over some bumps and a straight-away for time. Theo says something about "yo" and "go big." The Greek dude goes really slow for some reason and Laterrian explains that that is why the entire crowd is booing him. I don't understand. However, I'm used to that. "Big finish!" yells the announcer, as the Greek rolls his truck three miles per hour. GreekBoy says something about ten thousand people booing him being his best moment. I think that attendance figure is a bit fucking optimistic, B/M. It's James's turn to "bring this mission home to the Road Rules team." James hits the gas and almost flips his truck on the first bump. The camera inside the jerking cab pixilates and then ominously goes to black. Commercial. Oooh, is James dead? Is James dead! Maybe? Cool.

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Road Rules




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