Road Rules
A Square In A Social Circle

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James And The Giant Truck

No, James isn't dead. Shit. Aw, man. Ha. They show people brushing dust out of their hair after James went by. James skids to a stop, having probably broken the truck. "But that's what that [beep] pays for, so they shouldn't have done that," says Holly, talking to James about his bouncy least I think that's what she said. It's the best I can make out. The G of S tells us that "Winner Pending Judges Ruling," as Theo and James talk about how the front of the truck is fucked up. So some guys are under the truck, and they determine that it is, in fact, jacked. "Somebody's gonna pay for that," chaws some dude, and then pushes the cameraman out of his way, putting his hand on the lens Sean Penn-style. "Go home," he says. Ha. He looks sort of like a young Kevin Bacon, but with fewer IQ points and a real special love for his truck. But then again, I'm for anyone potentially damaging B/M equipment, so maybe his IQ is higher than I thought. Calvin shows up in the dressing room, shaking his head. "That's a big no-no," says the distraught Mayor. He stutters, saying that James broke a ten-thousand-dollar truck in a vicious assault on the English language. "You went out there drove it like an animal, and it wasn't your truck to do, was it?" Calvin shuts James up and claims he told him to drive carefully. But, we see a flashback of Calvin agreeing that you just "gas and brake." They argue. Who knows what went on? But it's all pretty fucking funny. Calvin all stuttering, knowing Kevin Bacon is going to kick his fat ass. James knows that this is B/M's responsibility, so who really gives a fuck. Suddenly, one of the Greeks busts in and defends James, agreeing that Calvin wasn't at all clear on how to drive the thing; he never told them how to drive a monster truck, when they are not trained drivers. Laterrian floats, likening it to a "bad call sliding into home," and we get more shots of the jumpsuited argument and I'm feeling all sorts of shit at this point: I'm disgusted with Calvin, the worst Mayor ever. I'm angry at B/M for leaving James out to dry like this -- and I don't even like James. And I'm vaguely impressed that the same Greek doofus who was talking shit before, is defending James.

Calvin stutters that the bottom line is that they are canceling that event. Holly floats, extra Scaryteeth, that James lost his event but "by no fault of his own," and that they have to stand up for him. Grimace. Look to the side. Smirk. So Holly starts yelling at Calvin that she drives the exact same way back home, over the...something, and that "our trucks don't die like that." James says something I can't understand. Calvin pats James on the back and says something I also can't understand. (B/M sound crew: Do you see a pattern here? No? I'll give you a hint -- it has something to do with your audience not being able to hear the dialogue. What is this, dinner theatre? Is this a student film? No. It's prime-time television, and we can't hear what's going on. Fine. I'll just make it up: James says, "Holly, I heard that Bunim is gay." Holly says, "Yeah, and I heard that Murray likes to have sex with cats." There. And I know I'm not supposed to get emotionally involved here. I'd make a lousy doctor. I'm supposed to just look around and figure out what's wrong. And in a case like Road Rules when the patient is obviously dead, I'm supposed to just call Time Of Death, remove my scrubs, and go play nine holes of golf. I know. I know. I can't help it.)

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Road Rules




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