Road Rules
A Square In A Social Circle

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James And The Giant Truck

Previously on Road Rules: James does a floaty that actually has not been shown before, thus ruining the entire concept of "Previously on..." James says, "You just learn that you have to do more than you can, you have to get the job done. You have to win." Behind this we see the lame-ass synchronized swimming event. James, sitting in a room somewhere, is very upset. James "dude"s out on us: "We'll just be the Road Rules, you know, face-off, dude, and we'll go in here to every face-off and we'll just get our [claps hands, aggressively] ass smacked by the [beep] team. We'll go away with the six-thousand dollar participant prize. I'm all about the win, dude." Whoa. James is angry, yo. James is a little hot under the rugby collar; he misses his "teammates," I guess. When you have a minute, go study James's sentence structure. It's really, uh, dude, something. And...intro: "This season, things are a little different." No they're not. The first season sucked. Last season sucked. And this season sucks. How is that different?

The Graphic of Stupid gets all bilingual on us and shit, reading, "Going En Fuego." Si. Esta muy muy stupido. Crazy shaky-cam shot of the Shasta driving in what looks like the Southwest with high desert red rocks, as Theo says something about it being "God's country." Someone else says it's a "long trip," and I think we've now gone back to the trip a few episodes ago that we skipped from Utah to the South. But since I've totally renounced trying to figure out the chronology of this show, that shouldn't bother me. And yet it does. My cat's so bored she's eating dust, and I'm not far behind. James and Theo wear twin StupidHats and glasses, as Msaada prepares to ask them a question from "any era, time," etc. I guess it's a sort of game, but aside from "Who Looks Stupider?" I don't see what game they're playing. "Who created the light bulb?" asks Msaada. "Benny Frank," answers Theo, which would have been my guess, as well. I really admire Benny's work. "Thomas Edison," answers James. (Uh, he's right, right? Right.) James calls Theo a "dumb-ass." No one argues. Theo himself doesn't even argue. It's probably a good thing in the end to realize just what you are and to accept it. Msaada laughs, then asks them to name two Garth Brooks albums. Okay, everyone is obviously drunk. I'm getting it. James says Fresh Horses (which is a damn fine Ringwald/McCarthy film, by the way), and Garth Brooks Live. Ho-ho chimes in that it's called Garth Brooks Double Live. "I'm going to double-kick your ass," replies James, cracking me up for the first time in...well, ever. Holly scowls strangely, going all inappropriately Scaryteeth on us. Shasta driving. Oh my god: James is jumping around, dancing in the Shasta, singing, as Holly eats (always with the food) next to him and gives him the stink-eye and Theo asks if he's having hot flashes. We get some B/M's-idea-of-creative multi-shots of James doing "wacky shit" while Theo floats that he doesn't know what to think of James and that he's "totally a kid." Wait. Theo doesn't know what to think of someone? Theo is questioning James' maturity level. That's like the pot...no wait. They're both equally immature and stupid. Neverdude. Now I wish I was making this up, but right as James is dancing around, my cat walks up to me, pukes, then runs away. I'm sending B/M the carpet-cleaning bill. James then says something to Theo that sounds like, "Yummy. Cousin Tummy," which makes Theo spit out his drink and yodel, "Don't tell me that." Uh, I couldn't even if I wanted to. James then says something else equally indecipherable, this time in a Southern preacher voice. Way to construct a show, B/M. String a bunch of shit together that you can't even understand if you rewind it six or seven times. You should be very proud of yourselves. (Yes, by "proud" I actually mean "deeply deeply ashamed".)

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Road Rules

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