You know, I just heard some terribly upsetting news about half an hour ago. I can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing that these six Road Rules kids are waiting for me to watch them when I get home. As I sit down, the show still a few minutes away from starting, I resent their intrusion in my life. But then I quickly realize that their sheer suckiness is a great distraction; my life seems wonderfully healthy and satisfying in comparison. I never thought I'd say this but, "Thank you, B/M." And then the show starts...I take it all back.
Previously on Road Rules...The Graphic of Stupid reads, "Deceit." We see Kathryn and Laterrian makin' with the freak-freak at the T.G.I. Fridays. Theo voice-overs about finding them getting' dirty together in the men's room. We then get the Balcony Fight of When, during which Kathryn claims nothing occurred in the bathroom. Laterrian tells the group that they were indeed getting down, and Kathryn says, "I had my bra on." Laterrian disagrees. Kathryn thinks. "Oh...yeah." Nod. Nod. Stare at Laterrian. Kathryn pussies out more than she did in that bathroom, when she then apologizes to the group -- she lied about letting L.T. get some after all. G of S now reads "Conflict." Short bus. James tells Msaada that it must be nice to be a piece of tofu. Tofu: "It is." Msaada says, "No. I'm gonna kill all of us. I don't care." We all now know that she never followed through on that threat so it's a little less satisfying to watch this time. Now James tells the camera how happy he is to head back to America, and we see the kids board a South African plane heading for home. Shit. They spent like nine fucking months in Africa. And all B/M got out of it was five particularly shitty episodes. At least they were quite good to make fun of. So for me, the trip was worth it right there. The kids get back on the Shasta, and Theo says, "Home, sweet home." Hick, sweet hick.
"I'm the Road Master." Couple weeks, buddy, it's going to be, "I'm the unemployed actor. The monologue I'll be doing is "Happy" from Death of a Salesman. Oh, did I mention I was on Road Rules? You want me to leave? But I haven't done my...okay, fine. I'm leaving." Same intro. Handsome reward. The hurt continues. I fall off my chair like the girl in the opening of Little House on the Prairie. I get up only because my cat quickly sits in my chair and I hate letting her win. The kids sleep on the Shasta. I think this is the first time they've had to spend a single night in the RV. Pampered fuckers, all living the high life at the Howard Johnson's and shit. Fucking lap of luxury, that place. You know, they have soap in the showers! So the kids wake up to the blue light and the Bloated One saying, "Poor Road-ies. You've worked your little fingers to the bone. Road Master thinks you deserve a rest." Because he skipped out on his Edith Skinner classes at De Paul, we can't understand the next sentence...something about them having picked out a vacation for the kids. Shot of Laterrian with his eyes closed. James and Holly don't even bother getting up. Msaada and the others can't even smile anymore at/with the Road Master. (Poor RM. He's weeks away from dinner theatre in Poughkeepsie again.) "But you all know my taste -- it tends towards The Dark!" The kids read the email and discover they have to be somewhere at 7:30 AM. Which day, I have no idea, and I don't care at this point.