Road Rules
Desert Dueling

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This Is What Happens

Map. Driving to Marrakech. Everyone is crammed into the Tioga, even Coral's massive titties. They get off. The RR guys have painted their faces. I don't know. Adam slaps hands with his team members as Ellen pathetically says, "Road Rules!" No one responds. Blair says that they're taking it much more seriously than the RW people are, while Mike camera-talks that they don't have a team, but rather individuals. Wow, that's a big word for Mike. He must be learnin' somethin' there in the big city. They go inside the house, into an outdoor courtyard in the middle where they meet the referee Mustapha. He explains that they'll be competing in three traditional Moroccan events -- the winning team will get one thousand dollars per person. Everyone freaks out over that -- except Coral, who presses a button on her control panel and puts on her holier-than-thou bitch face. Ellen and Katie, meanwhile, have no way of containing their excitement, visions of Prada and Gucci dancing in their heads. Ellen floats that they're going to show these "pampered little kids" how they play and that they're on RR turf now. Adam floats that it's not about the money for him, and that they will beat them. C'mon now, Adam. Think how many meds one thousand dollars could get you.

"Bootylicious" plays as the kids walk out in slo-mo to the playing field in red (Real World) and blue (Road Rules) garb. Mustapha says that the first game is Sheep Wrangling. Shot of a sheep. ExpoSteve -- Hi Steve! -- explains that they'll have to herd sheep into the opposite pen; whichever team has more sheep in its pen at the end wins. Mustapha holds up a tiny brass camel which will be their prize for this event, along with the points going towards the final award. Blair floats that Coral has come down with some sort of flu, so she won't be competing, and it'll be six against six. Don't you suppose they made someone sit out so it would be even, anyway? I hate all.

The music of B/M Having Abandoned This Show Seasons Ago To Interns From The New School A/V Program plays as the kids try to get their sheep out of their thatch pens and across the large dirt area, passing the other team going the opposite direction, and into the other pen. They're all armed only with a long feather, their shitty attitudes, and grating personalities. Ellen stomps and yells at the poor sheep. Blair voice-overs about the sheep chaos we see; it's driving him crazy because they're not listening to anything he says...because they're sheep. Everyone runs around and sheep are jumping and switching direction and it's kinda funny. HiSteve looks like he saves a sheep from jumping off this roofish thing to its certain death. Coral, meanwhile, fixes her makeup and checks for boogers in the Tioga mirror. The Crack B/M Editing Staff switches the Ornette Coleman frenetic jazz to a sultry sax thing during this, and then back for the sheep wrangling. Nice, boys. Good job. Go edit a student film or something. Wrangling. Wrangling. RW kids get some sheep. The bell sounds. The Road Rules pen is empty. Wow. Mustapha says that it's "simple," and then reveals that the score is six sheep to zero. The Real World wins. Well, that's pretty fucking embarrassing. Our kids laugh sadly. The others get the Golden Camel. Sophia floats that it's no one's fault, and she hopes the Real Worlders don't get too comfortable as Coral, who didn't do a fucking thing, does an unearned victory dance. Our kids retire to the Tioga to regroup, or to go down on each other.

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Road Rules

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