Road Rules
Falling Head Over Heals

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Bye-Curious

Cliffs. The sun. Music recycled from the failed B/M show, Making The Crap-Ass Instrumental Elevator Music Band plays. The kids get out of their RV, somewhere, and meet Carlos, their instructor. He wears a t-shirt advertising his company andaluciaextrem.com, which just totally rolls of the fucking tongue. There are signs everywhere and obviously B/M has received a few lire or whatever for this shit. Man, I hate...well, I just hate, that's all. In a terribly edited section, the kids float and voice-over that they have a day to train, but that they don't know what they'll train for, and Jisela wonder how long this mission is, and shut up. The kids get in a short bus driven by Carlos and they pass an ambulance waiting and make nervous jokes and Sophia says "dog" a lot. Ellen, seeing people climbing rocks, guesses that they'll be rock climbing. She's a genius! Adam says that someone is "belaying" someone else and that's right, Adam likes to get in the crack. I forgot. Jisela floats that she hopes it's not mountain climbing, but rather she wants it to be something in the water. Jisela likes water sports, apparently. Dirty girl.

So the kids watch someone climbing and jumping down the rock. The kids sit down in front of a bunch of gear and the instructors talk about having confidence and trusting in the equipment and blah blah blah blahcakes. Carlos continues on, and finally people start climbing what Jisela floats is a "flattened" rock, but she pronounces it like Ad Rock pronounces "Manhattan." Ellen is climbing now, and she asks to do a trick; she does a bad-ass horizontal cartwheel on the face of this straight rock. It's pretty fucking cool. Too bad it's the best thing she'll ever do in her entire life. Jisela, so fucking transparently bitter and afraid, goes floaty and disses Ellen for showing off when they're supposed to be training. Sophia makes it to the top. Blair climbs barefoot. He makes it to the top and then tells the camera he just climbed a bigger rock than he does at home. I guess Blair likes the crack too. Hey, like, where's Steve? Just checking. I like to check everyone once in a while.

At the bottom, Jisela talks to Sophia -- not leading her on, you see, but complaining that she dreamt they'd have to kick someone off on the second mission (she corrects herself when she realizes it's the third -- dumb-ass). Jisela says that it'll be hard. Then Sophia floats that Jisela came to her and said, "I'm nervous, dog. I'm nervous, dog." We had a nervous dog when I was a kid. Would just sit there and shiver and then bark if anyone tried to get too close. I miss that dog. Anyway, Sophia goes on to say that Jisela thinks she'll be booted. They talk again, and I don't have the captioning on my ancient Quasar but Jisela says something, which sounds like something about her father being mad and then Sophia is all, "Oh, so that's why it bothers you?" Well, whatever. I have really no idea what she said. She might have just asked Sophia to give her a Kit Kat, for all I know. Now Jisela is getting ready to try to climb as she voice-overs that the person who cannot fulfill his or her duty on the team is "the weakest link," and will have to leave. (Okay, now I'm convinced that B/M told the kids to keep using that phrase to somehow be in tune with the current lingo or some totally misguided bullshit like that.) Jisela climbs two feet up, and a Spanish guy grabs her ass as Jisela floats that there is no way she'll be able to pick her "big ass" up. She continues, and people encourage her, but instead of being grateful, she turns around with the Erect Fingers of Bitchosity and for some fucking reason "Optimistic" is playing and Jisela yells that she doesn't want to hear "no 'C'mon Jisela.'" Well, I don't want to hear no Radiohead being sullied by having to play over this show. How the fuck does MTV have the right just to play any song it wants over whatever show it wants? Does MTV just wield that kind of power where you can't say no to whatever they want to do or else forever be banned? I just say this because I somehow doubt that Thom Yorke's sullen ass would agree to let B/M use his song over a shot of Jisela trying to climb a mountain. Somehow I don't think that would fit into his artistic vision, but maybe that's just me. Commercials.

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Road Rules

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