Road Rules

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421 USERS: C+
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Highway To The Stupid Zone

So in the cockpit, Holly tells the camera that she's very grateful James gave up his chance to fly, and as she's talking, all traces of emotion are gone. She's going crazy Scaryteeth, and I think we've just witnessed the quintessential Holly: whine and sulk and be mean until you get your way, be thankful for a second, then take take take and don't look back. Hmmm...not a bad philosophy. Maybe I'll try it.

So Holly's jet goes up and she immediately begins screaming, "Oh my God!!!" She says to MysteryPilot, "This is going to become an addiction. I can already feel it." Okay, so we get a montage of them doing tricks and rolls and "Real Top Gun stuff," and the whole time Holly is just squealing and laughing and saying "oh my God" and "oh, yeah," and I just turn off the picture and listen to the sound of this flight montage with the lights off. So after I take a quick shower, the plane lands, and Holly hugs Kathryn saying, "Oh yeah, baby!" She tells James, "Thank you so...I'm okay with not having sex for a very long time now." She jumps around and talks and then goes floaty over images of herself freaking out. She floats about how she was surprised that James gave her the "Top Gun" flight after all their differences so far this trip. She goes on, "But I think there are definitely sides to James that he doesn't like to show a lot. It's nice to see the softer side of James every once in a while." What, like his burgeoning beer gut? James and Holly walk in slo-mo through the hangar, and we see that James is wearing knee-high striped socks under his red jumpsuit. For my own well-being, I try to ignore this fact and listen to James floating, "I've learned there's probably a lot more to me than that frat guy. And I've learned that, like, life is like an ongoing process of changing, you know. And, uh, you can change a little bit every day. And sometimes, you know, it's the little things can add up." James Taylor calls me and asks if he can take James' profound words and make them into a song. I talk him out of it, but only after I show him how the "you know"s really fuck up the rhyme structure.

Next, on Road Rules. So let me try to explain the image we see first. It's the kids, minus Holly, in little boxes (the Road Master makes up the sixth) in exact copies of The Blair Witch Project pose, with the flashlight coming from underneath and the knit hats. Okay, so they're doing a parody, I think. No. This is no parody. An Asian woman, standing with them in the wilderness says, "Your next mission is to spend forty-eight hours in seclusion." Music. Wolves howling. She tells them that if they have an emergency, they have a whistle to blow. I guess the six will all be close enough to each other to hear. "The only fear I have is being alone in the dark," says Holly. Oooh, that's right. Her mom gave that one up during the game show. Uh...oops. So, shot of the moon through trees with clouds and all. I guess the kids are all left with a light and their own camera. I'm assuming this is what's happening. (Basically B/M is doing a Road Rules version of the other MTV show Fear -- which is actually pretty good -- which is itself simply a massively blatant rip-off of The Blair Witch Project. Wheels within wheels, folks.) Kathryn says to the camera, "It's scary out here." James says that it is harder than he'd thought. We see someone running. Whistle noise in the background as Msaada says, "I don't know what time it is, but someone just blew their whistle." Okay, this could be...not terrible. Oh, I know I'm setting myself up for a fall, here. Forget it. It's going to suck.

Road Rules

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