Road Rules
Flying With The African Birds

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Highway To The Stupid Zone

Previously on Road Rules: James in the Shasta complaining to Dr. Theo Brothers that he is surrounded by people who are constantly doubting him. He rips a metal panel off the wall as Theo watches, fascinated and/or turned-on. Holly floats, "James got dubbed the ass-[beep] of the group. It's gonna take work, on his part, to kind of lose that title." Holly smiles at her funny, going Scaryteeth to the off-camera boom-operator. The When Balcony Argument. Msaada tells James that he's very self-involved. James comes back strong with something about opinions vs. judgment, and adds a sarcastic "dear" for effect. Msaada lies, telling James that he has the potential to be very cool, and she doesn't want to see him "make a mistake." I hope this is Msaada's low-point of the trip -- telling James that he has secret levels, because I'm afraid James is beginning to believe it. And James' head is already bigger than Lenny Kravitz's. Resident Evil has secret levels. James, not so much.

Road Master. He mixes things up this time by saying, "Welcome, Road Rulers." So I'm a Road Ruler now? But I don't wanna be a Road Ruler. Intro. Yawn. Pet the cat. Look out the window. Watch everyone going out and having fun. Couples heading on dates. Children riding those little scooters. People walking their dogs. I want a scooter. I want a dog. I cry. Scratch at the window, whimpering. No one looks up. No one notices. Road Master keeps talking. He won't stop. He never stops. The weather is beautiful. Tears sting my cheeks. A squirrel scampers by on the telephone wire outside my window. He stops and points at me. Laughs. Drops a nut in the process. Curses me. Scampers on. I laugh, but a sad laugh. The laugh of the trapped. The laugh of the slowly cracking. The laugh of someone with twenty-one-and-a-half minutes of A Bunim-Murray Production ahead of him. The laugh of someone whom life is passing by like a New York City cab driving past a waiting Danny Glover. Someone reduced to making jokes about Danny Glover. I'm losing it, folks.

The Music of My Headache. Four split-screen shots of a beach. Graphic of Stupid says, "Capetown, South Africa." Uh...they're still in Africa. Still! They will never leave. America cheers. "The Sea Castle." I guess it's a hotel. If you're ever in South Africa, folks, don't stay at the Sea Castle. It's got Road Rules stench on it. And that shit don't come out with Comet and a brush. The kids get a clue and gather around their black laptop. Meanwhile, back in America, the iBook, fearing the kids' return, jumps out of the Shasta and runs off into the forest. The B/M editing staff -- I mean, cellblock F of Sheldrake County Prison -- is so desperate to make Road Master interesting that, while he talks, they start making the picture careen around the screen like the bouncy bullets in Atari's "Combat" game. Road Master: "James! I know you hate it when I single you out. Especially when I try and scare you. [sounds of screams -- I check...they're not coming from me...this time] I have one question for you about tomorrow: can you spell...vomit?!" During this last part, the Road Master goes a little too far with his scenery-chewing and actually bumps his nose into the glass in front of him. Hee hee. He's stupid. Email. Catchphrase. Ain't so catchy, is it, B/M? The kids have no reaction. None. Silver Cheek Star Theo, meanwhile, is trying unsuccessfully to sound out "vomit." ExpositionMsaada tells us that the kids are told to meet "Graham" at a Capetown airport. The Montage of Short Bus Drivage. Kathryn is behind the wheel. Kids inside, not talking to each other. Crows on a sign. I don't know why. Short bus pulls up in fast motion to the hangar. Is this the Keystone Kops alla sudden?

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Road Rules

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