Road Rules
Flying With The African Birds

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Highway To The Stupid Zone

The kids walk to "Thunder City" and on the tarmac are met by Graham Smith, new Mission Mayor. Graham talks and Holly goes Scaryteeth all up and down the airport, causing three plans to crash from the glare. Mayor Graham tells them that although he doesn't know what they are expecting, Thunder City is a jet-flight school. The kids all bounce up and down. I wonder if I would bounce if I jumped from the roof right now? They pull this blue jet out of the hangar. More screaming and happiness. I hate to see them happy. Theo touches James a lot. Much "dude"-ing. Awful harmonica music. Or is that redundant? Mayor GrahamCracker tells the kids that only one of them will have "the trip of a lifetime" and will be "Top Gun." Jerry Bruckheimer is calling B/M as we speak for his royalties on the term. Holly goes too-much-hair-gel floaty and says, "I want this mission more than anything we've done at all." Golden Graham babbles about what the plane can do. Msaada floats that it's always been a dream of hers to be a pilot. B/M issues a press release that they hate Msaada and vow to crush her dream. Laterrian then floats how much he wants to fly. Then James floats that he and his buddies back home are big Top Gun fans. Ah, cineastes, all. I'm sure they sit home on weekend nights, commenting on the subtext in Viper's warnings to Maverick, Kelly McGillis' wicker porch furniture collection as a metaphor for the fragility of life, and the use of Goose as a Christ figure. "Take my breath away," whispers Theo, holding a volleyball and some oil, should James feel like a game. James continues that he's looking forward to competing to win the mission, adding, "I think all my friends back home would be jealous, but are also looking for me represent this mission and take home the trophy." Should we pause to examine the logic and grammar errors in that sentence? Nah, fuck it. My sanity is too tenuous. As is James' grasp on the English language. Mayor Graham tells the kids that they have to take a series of elimination tests to judge their suitability to be a pilot. Theo floats that it's a contest involving a knowledge quiz, a quiz about the ejector seat, and a flight simulator. ExpositionMsaada continues that the top three total-score-getters will go on a flight and be asked to do stuff, and then the one who does the best will get to go on the "Top Gun" flight and do special moves and stunts. Graham babbles about how he hopes the kids will have fun. Holly fake-smiles and only half-looks at him, like he's a piece of shit and she is the shit. Maybe the suck-ass Holly is back. God, I hope so.

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Road Rules

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