Road Rules
Flying With The African Birds

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Highway To The Stupid Zone

Shots of planes. Holly hugs Kathryn and then goes floaty, lying that she's happy for Kathryn, and she's "not going to begrudge her the chance, cuz it's the chance of a lifetime and [she's] excited for her." Holly tells Kathryn to "win," and we get a crazy split-screen montage of Kathryn taking off, with Graham actually flying, of course. The kids watch and point. I guess they've never been to an airport before and seen planes take off. How thrilling. They bank and turn (the plane, not the kids on the ground) and Kathryn tells Graham, "I never thought I could do this...ever." Do what? Sit in an airplane? You ain't flying it, girl. More plane shots. The kids cheering. Now Graham does hand over the lever to Kathryn, telling her to bank the plane towards some sand dunes. Kathryn pulls the fake lever to the right as Graham surreptitiously works the real controls. "That's absolutely wonderful," says Graham, having heard about Kathryn's favor for PudgyInstructor. "You have surprised me." (I'll resist "cockpit" jokes...as long as I possibly can.) Kathryn giggles and says, "This feels really good. I always liked being in control." Kathryn is flirting with Graham? Ew. Ew. The plane lands as Kathryn gives the double thumbs-up.

Holly covers her ears against the noise and the voices telling her to stab Graham in the heart and fly the plane herself because she's the best little girl in all of far Northern California and if the world will not bow to her will, she will make it bow to hers. Everyone asks Kathryn how the flight was. Msaada sounds very excited and asks her over and over if it was "amazing," and did she do a good job. Poor Msaada. James hugs Kathryn and asks, "How was it, dude, huh?" That's what James says to all his lovers. Kathryn talks about Graham giving the controls over to her and says that she was freaking out. James gets really fucking excited when Kathryn tells him that the type of control is a "joystick." He grabs an imaginary joystick and starts fondling it. The unwitting homoerotic overtones make my television lose horizontal hold and I have to put 9½ Weeks in the VCR just to settle it down.

Graphic of Stupid: "Theo Wants To Give Up." Oh yes! Theo is quitting the show! Theo is quitting the show! Theo is...oh, no. Shit. Theo and James talk in the hangar about how much the two girls want to fly. Holly floats over the shot of her contemplating high-jacking the plane and again talks about not "begrudging" anyone their flight, and then she insinuates that B/M are cheap and mean bastards for not letting everyone do it. No argument there. There is no Cheek Star of Death, but oh, Scaryteeth is in full effect, y'all. Back to Theo, who tells James that he'd like to go up, but it's not that special to him, the way it is to the others. He says he'd love to fly the "super South African war jet," but he maybe doesn't want it as much. James wants to go up. Theo then floats that he's been thinking about how much people have shared with him: "And even though this is kind of, like, a little, a really small piece of sharing, I just, I just needed to share something." Theo walks up to Msaada and tells her that it's not something that's really important to him so she should go. Laterrian inches closer and closer to Theo, whispering, "Yo, remember that day in the waterfall. Best day of our lives. Remember that?" Theo ignores him. Msaada says that it's not up to them, but Theo disagrees. SelfishJames is nowhere to be seen. "This is the one time in my life that I get to tell you anything," jokes Theo to Msaada. Oh damn. Damn! Why does Theo have to go and be nice? Just when Holly is going full bitch-out, too. Maybe Theo needs to go in the other direction to counteract the wrath of Holly. Maybe nature will be thrown into chaos if there is that much pettiness and venom in one place at one time. But still, I hate seeing Theo do nice things. Damn. Msaada floats about how she can't say enough nice stuff about Theo and how "amazing" it was for him to give up his turn for her. Eh. I hate that. Eh. C'mon, Msaada. Tell someone to "shut up, you!" It's much more fun. If I wanted sweetness, I'd watch the Food Network during Dessert Week. Road Rules is all about conflict, hostility, selfishness, and repressed man-man love. Sort of like the dancers' dressing room on the Britney Spears tour. G of S reads, "Darth Helmet" as, on the tarmac, the kids tease a black-helmet-wearing Msaada that she has a big head. She says that it's the helmet. They realize that she looks like "Darth Helmet" from Spaceballs. She does a quote from that movie. Man, B/M busting out the Daphne Zuniga movie references. That's television on the edge, boy.

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Road Rules

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