Road Rules
Flying With The African Birds

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Highway To The Stupid Zone

Theo and Holly walk together. Holly tells Theo how nice it was to give up his flight for Msaada. I hit the closed captioning button on my TV that transcribes internal monologue instead of dialogue. Here's what it reads during this, "Why didn't you give it to me? Me? Me! Holly! Holly Holly Holly. I'm the pretty one! I'm the fun one! I broke every bone in my body! I'm sexually adventurous. I've been good for about nine episodes now. Me! Me! Love me give it to me lovemelovemeloveme." Back to Kathryn and James. Kathryn tells James that if she wins "Top Gun," she's going to give it to Holly. And then she remembers Laterrian and says that she might just "split a coin between those two." I hope she has a soldering iron, but even so, I don't see how splitting a coin is really going to make up for the fact that they don't get to fly. She goes ZenKathryn on us and says, "Cuz like, I had my time in the sky, you know?" James just stares at her like, "That's good for you, but if I win I'm going." Msaada is next in the plane, and she says hello to Graham. Shot of James looking worried for no apparent reason. Msaada and Graham talk about the fact that they're already going two hundred miles per hour. Msaada takes the control and makes the right turn. Graham tells her she's doing a good job and our one polite Road Ruler says, "Thanks Graham, you're so nice." She then asks "please" if he could do a roll. He does. She screams and cheers. "Thank you, oh my goodness." Okay, Msaada is a little too cute for me to handle after the sheer unpleasant force of the Hollysulk. It's like watching Career Opportunities and then flipping right to Breakfast At Tiffany's. The transition can give you the bends. Msaada voice-overs about G-force holding you in your seat. She lands and tells everyone about the rolls and then laughs to the camera, saying, "Oh, it went wonderful." Graham tells Msaada that "dynamite comes in small packages." She laughs. Kathryn laughs. Okay, back to unpleasantness, please. Ah, cue James. Right on time. James gets in the jet and they take off. Random shots. James banks to the left. He screams. They do a roll. It's over quickly. James lands and Kathryn asks him, "Did you wreck anything?" Ha. Still teasing him over the Monster Truck. (I hope he had to pay Cooter to fix it. And bake FatCalvin a pie.) James looks insanely happy, and he says, "Oh my God...oh my. You just feel so powerful in there, you know. You got a whole, big ol' machine. It was just so awesome." Um...scary. But I have to say, his extreme happiness is sort of infectious. Like pink eye. He tells Theo about the take-off and how fast they went and says that the pilot gave him wings he could pin on his shirt and even let him sit in his lap. Holly watches, angry-sad, plotting each person's murder. She looks like Medea here, only with a better dye-job.

So RandomInstructor tells the kids that whoever wins "Top Gun" can give it away, but then they won't get to experience the flight themselves. They all talk, and Laterrian floats that he thinks whoever wins should give the "Super Top Gun" flight to Holly. Now it's "Super Top Gun"? I didn't realize they had enough miles for an upgrade. On the tarmac, RandomInstructor brings up the fact that only one person, then, would not get to fly at all (aside from Theo, I guess, who smartly doesn't count as a person in R.I.'s mind). Laterrian says, "I'll be that person." Holly, in a little B/M box, then talks to the camera about the fact that Msaada and Kathryn are going to hand over their flight to her if they win. New box: "But I'm not thinking about it too hard because James isn't willing to do that. And, uh, if he wins basically I'm [beep] out of luck." In the quiz room, Graham starts his speech: "You know, until recently, we whites had control of South Africa. Apartheid was in place, and everything was the way it should be. Now...Oh. Oops. Wrong speech. Heh." He says that the "big moment" has come and that it was very hard to decide. James tells the camera that although Holly wants to go, she wasn't in the competition, and "fair play's fair play." Also, a dumb frat boy is a dumb frat boy. He adds, butchering yet another saying, "Only the best will survive." Shot around the table. James stares. Theo scratches. Holly eats. Damn, she's like one of them Richard Simmons trapped-in-bed-people, the way she eats...only thin. Kathryn winks at RandomInstructor. Cut. Commercial. When I find myself enjoying the commercials more than the show, I realize that, not only is it a bad show in general, but this is a particularly boring episode. Quizzes. Low-level complaining. Four-second jet flights. Man, bring back the babysitting or something. Jeez.

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Road Rules

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