Road Rules
Hanging By A Line

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Sucking And Entering

Valley Girl is on Comedy Central right now, and I'm having to choose between watching the My Chauffeur girl tearfully tell a slope-eyed Nicolas Cage that she can't see him anymore because her friends think he's gag-me-with-a-spoon, and watching Road Rules. That's a decision no one should have to make. The bright spot of my morning: my dream was wrong. I just had a dream that, with all the TV schedule shuffling between the attacks and the late World Series, Fox had a scheduling gap and was thus going to put on two never-aired episodes of The $treet. Whew, it was just a dream. Right? Right?! Ah, now Nicolas Cage is all drunk and talking to himself in a parking lot. Unfair.

Fuck it, let's go. So they don't even bother trying to pretend that any of this opening is "previously" as they show the kids at a dinner. Sophia voice-overs that Katie and Steve dig each other. She says that Katie "thinks she's gorgeous" and that Steve loves the attention. Katie licks Steve's face all over. ADDam dumb-overs that if he had a serious girlfriend back home, she'd be upset if he was sleeping in the same bed with another girl. Dude, if you had a serious girlfriend back home she'd be upset that she was dating you.

Opening. Desert. Different. Camels. Kids. Helicopter. Flying. Snakes. Soldiers. Naked. Crying. Lame. Booted. Ten. Done.

Day breaks. Or night falls. Day. I guess. Who can tell? Who cares. The RV drives on a high mountain road as it's raining. Simon and Notfunkle plays as HiSteve! and Katie talk in one of the beds. Steve says that his girlfriends are usually that darling combination of knowing-how-to- dress-up and also not-afraid-to- look-like-a-slob. You know, in other words, she's a human being. Katie agrees with Steve's dream-girl assessment pretending that she actually is that, even though she has no idea what her actual skin looks like without makeup. Steve now floats that Katie has many of the qualities he likes in a girl (a vagina, the ability to take his constant and vaguely tiring jokes) and would date her. So would Katie, but she tells us that she has a boyfriend and thus they're just friends and Steve does little favors for her. But not, we assume, the little favors Adam does for Ellen under the covers late at night when his ADD makes him occupy his mouth with something other than talking.

Night. Tioga. Steve is playing with Katie's toes. Ellen screams that Steve just sucked on Katie's smelly, sweaty, disgusting, drunk toes. Yeah, everyone is drunk. Ellen is blitzed, and she babbles that someone else on the RV needs to work some stuff out. Adam laughs, but then again, Adam would laugh at an episode of She's The Sheriff.

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Road Rules

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