All right, people. You realize you can still get out. You could not watch this week, and then you'll have only watched the first episode and no one could accuse you of actually being a fan of the show. You tried it once, you hated it, and you moved on. No harm done. So turn back now. Switch over to JAG or something. You don't have to do this. Unfortunately, I do. So if you're still with me now, it's your own damn fault. Now let's go.

So. We start off with the following warning: "The challenge within this episode/segment contains dangerous stunts which are supervised by professional stuntmen and emergency personnel. Do not attempt to try this." I like that they don't know if it's an episode or a segment. I also like that they so don't want you do to this shit and then sue them that they tell you not to attempt to try this. Like, don't even think about thinking about it. They should have had the following warning instead: "The following show contains crap. Don't watch." That would have been more helpful.

"Previously." The kids won the eating contest. They earned six Italian scooters. Sarah and Darrell were on the high wire. They did some dirty talking to each other: "Why are you pulling down?" "Oh, god. "Oh, god." That's hot. They fell off the wire, spent from their lovemaking. Sarah said it was her fault. Then their backs were against the wall. Then we saw Rachel with her girlfriend Amy. Rachel camera-talked that she took a break from Amy because she doesn't want her big gay relationship to define her big gay self. Speaking of big gay...Eric told us he's digging on Kendal. They danced terribly. She told us she's scared because she doesn't want to care about Eric's big stupid face. Uh, then don't. Or at least don't fuck him, which is probably harder for her not to do.

Opening credits. The Worst Song Ever Written plays while we get falling and driving and faces. Falling. Naked. Falling. Surfing. "Throw out your old rules! These are the Road Rules." Seriously, I thought City High singing about Kyle and Keri was a low for the art of music. But this might be even worse.

At an RV park, the kids do bar dips around an old trampoline, counting in Spanish, as Sarah sits in a chair watching them. Hee. She says that she can't do everything the others do. She asks if we've seen Rachel's biceps, and then we see them. Rachel is fucking huge. Sarah says that Rachel could beat her up. (Do it! Do it!) Sarah tells the others that she doesn't do anything but sit around and breathe and eat. Rachel tells Sarah that she doesn't give herself enough credit, totally missing the self-deprecating humor of Sarah. But then again, her teammates don't get anything she says, so why should this be different? Now the sport-os are all doing leg thingies while Sarah still watches. She tells us that she'd be the first one voted off because she has no athleticism going for her. I love that she's trying so hard and fighting to stay on the show. It speaks well of her character that she doesn't just give up and whine and accept that she's about to be...oh yeah. She's doing just that. Never mind.