Road Rules
Jumping With The Jones

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Man, Those Kids Are Rappelant

I had a dream last night. In the dream I was driving the Road Rules Tioga. Blair was sitting shotgun eating a pie, while Sophia was up in the loft doing something with Jisela's underwear. ADDam was mooning cows we were passing, and laughing, and Ellen was rubbing some sort of exfoliant on her ass. I have no idea where Steve was, and Jisela was screaming at me, "When we're fucking, I don't want to hear no 'C'mon, Jisela!'" And as I drove, a serene calm came over me, and I realized I could handle everything. I could handle these six. It wasn't so bad. But suddenly, in the middle of the road stood Holly, smiling at me with her Scaryteeth, beckoning for me to come to her, and I swerved the Tioga to the right, and we went Thelma and Louise-ing off a high cliff wall. I saw a bright light and Pablo was there, and he was telling me to go back, that it wasn't my time. I woke up with a start, unable to breathe or see. And then I realized my cat was sitting on my face, trying to smother me. I threw her off and took a few deep breaths, oxygenating my near-dying brain. My cat meowed petulantly and stormed off to puke on my kitchen counter. Things aren't so good, folks.

So last week. Jisela can't do the rappelling -- can't get her big ass up the mountain. She yells at the instructors and everyone else to "shut up!" Then in the Tioga, the B/M Crack Editing Staff shows us a scene we didn't see before, in which Jisela is complaining to Sophia about Ellen and Ellen is talking shit to her and giving her dirty looks and Jisela is saying, "Oh, bitch, no you didn't!" Ellen floats that Jisela and Sophia have bonded, and that they're leaving her out. So basically, the whole "Previously" is now a place for them to put shit that wasn't in previous episodes so we can follow their shit because this crew can't craft a good story line to save their lives. Shit, Beetle Bailey has more compelling and linear narratives.

Opening sequence. Things are different. Fuck your mom. Someone will be eliminated. Crying. Crying. And that's just me. The kids. Pictures of the kids. Skinny-dipping. Ellen crying. My cat biting me. Me calling Pink Dot for fifth of Wild Turkey to ease the pain. And the crest. Fuck off.

The moon. The Tioga. ADDam and Left Eye Ellen are on top of the RV talking. Ellen is talking about Sophia and Jisela and saying that there is more bad than good with them, and "seriously, they can just go kiss [her] ass." What's her fetish with people smooching her ass? ADDam floats that the girls are not speaking and that the tension is going to affect their performance in the mission tomorrow.

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Road Rules

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