Road Rules
Jumping With The Jones

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Man, Those Kids Are Rappelant

So the kids get ready to do the zip line, and Jisyella floats that they're instructed to stay curled up so they can get speed going. The line is pretty horizontal, and Blair lets go, making the long and sorta slow trip over water to some rocks where a Spaniard awaits to steal his booty and rape his women. Oh, no, this is the twenty-first century. Never mind. "Very fine," says the Spaniard to Blair when he lands, which is funny enough on its own. Ellen is next, and she immediately sprawls out, showing off. Jisela floats that Ellen must not have been listening and bitches, "She such a show-off." Really, she is, because immediately she starts to slow down and then Ellen stops altogether in the middle of the cord. The kids start yelling for her to use her arms, and Ellen is grunting and flailing, and Jisela is bitching, and Sophia is voice-overing that Ellen should have been smart and just gotten to the end and they all watch helplessly. Jisela bitches, "I bet you wish you had a big ass now." Hee. I mean, I like the fact that she's proud of her big ass and all, but really, shut the fuck up, finally. Thanks. Steve is bitching that it's taking so long and killing their pace as Ellen tries to pull her way hand-over-hand to the other side. Blair is yanking on the rope to try to make her move -- man, I hope he pulls the rope loose and Ellen goes crashing into the water below. Ellen is yelling and moaning and Jisela floats, in an act of obvious self-preservation, "If we lose this, it's because of Ellen." Ellen is really stuck and she yells, "Blair, help!" and we fade to commercials.

We're back and Ellen is still dangling mid-zip line, fucking up the program. "I messed up," voice-overs Ellen. No shit. She says that Blair is the only one who will help her -- we see him encouraging her as she complains that her arms are tired. He tells her to pull herself hand-over-hand, and she does for a while, but mostly just hangs there. She looks much more like a sad, bundled-up Eskimo than a "Pretty, Pretty Princess" right now. Everyone yells and we jump cut to Ellen almost there and Blair reaches out and pulls her and everyone cheers. Everyone cheers the big fuckup. Whoooo! Blair voice-overs that the time was an issue, but that he's more concerned that Ellen is going to be more tired later. We see they've only lost fifteen minutes. Oh Boo-the-fuck Hoo. Sophia slides. Steve slides -- but naturally we only get a long shot of him because he somehow terribly offended B/M and they hate his box-livin' ass now. Jisela slides, the andaluwhatever.com sign she's forced to carry nearly covering her face. Jisela floats that she's having so much fun since she's never done any of this stuff before. Someone goes, and then Adam goes, so I don't know who that person was. Some stowaway. Adam floats that he has no fear of the zip line and ooh, what a big man. I used to do that shit at a huge park near my house when I was seven, and I wasn't even strapped in, so go take your meds and get in the crack you love so.

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Road Rules

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