I was going to write a paragraph here about how this is the first time I've ever watched a Road Rules all the way through. I think, however, I'm just going to dive right in. Like a Band-Aid: just rip it all off at once.

Props to stee for promising me that I wouldn't repeatedly slam blunt objects into my forehead if I watched one episode. And stee wouldn't lie, would he? Would he?

Matrix-style opening credits tell me that things are going to be a little different. I guess by different they mean that, unlike other television shows, I'm going to have a hard time understanding what the people on the screen are saying, and I'll get confused trying to figure out which of the small squares that popped up on the screen I'm supposed to watch. I'm surprised they don't have running e-mail messages from mtv.com fans like, "LT is SO FINE!" and "Theo RuLeZ!" the way every other MTV show does. I'm only happy about the credits because I'm now learning all of the names of the cast. Whoa. I've never seen this digitalized freak guy before. The Road Master, or whatever? How do you guys not laugh at this every week? You probably do. Stee sure makes it seem easier to digest in a recap. I had no idea how sad the truth was.

Several small Brady Bunch squares inform me that the kids must be in Hollywood, because they show the Hollywood sign and then several half-naked girls. I know every time I'm there you can't flick a cigarette out the car window without hitting a half-naked girl on the ass. Everyone! Come to California! The rent is cheap and the apartments are fruitful! Naked women use your lawn hose to bathe! Everyone knows how to surf! And people are so friendly!

A woman knocks on a hotel door. Holly opens it, wearing a blue tube top and pants that just about cover her treasure trail. Just about. The girl at the door is Ann from mtv.com and she's here to tell the kids about their next mission. Cut to everyone sitting around Ann as she's still firmly protecting her chest with her clipboard. Cut to double-window screen of Ann flipping a pen back and forth as she says something, but we don't get to hear it because Theo floats in, topless, with something smarter: "Ann has come in from mtv dot com and she's actually mtv dot gorgeous." I stare at my computer monitor, frozen for five minutes because too many responses to that statement come flooding in and paralyze my ability to write. I end up just making a sound like, "Chhhhaaewaahaha." I snort, and then have a strange coffee-induced hallucination where Theo is picking me up at a bar and asking if I have an email address at pamie dot sexalicious. I slap myself and dive back into the recap. I guess MTV thinks that people really are just dumb as posts, because everything is said twice.