Road Rules

Episode Report Card
530 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Fit To Be Tied

A giant storm erupts suddenly outside my apartment. God is angry.

Graphic of Stupid tells us that the next dare is "KISS THE CAST MEMBER WITH THE MOST KISSABLE LIPS." For some reason this dare has to take place in an elevator. James is still half-naked as Ann explains that they have to decide who has the "most luscious lips" because "James has to kiss that person." Why does James have two dares? After asking if it has to be a guy (it doesn't), Theo notices that Laterrian is hiding his face in the corner of the elevator. "You're trying to hide in an elevator?" Laterrian turns around with the purest look of fear I've ever seen on a man's face. Kathryn raises her hand and says she thinks Holly has great lips. Holly mashes up her face and laughs, because she was just thinking the same thing. Someone says that Msaada has great lips. Msaada puts her fingers to her nose, because she still has the smell of Shitkicker Musk on them and wonders how many dares she's going to have to be in. Msaada begins wiping her face with Theo's Windsong as she realizes she's going to be the one kissing James. A gigantic bolt of lightning goes off outside and I wonder how much longer I'll be able to recap before the powers that be shut off my electricity to save y'all from going to hell. Msaada shakes her head and laughs, because she really doesn't want to kiss James at all, but he's still wet from the last dare (that's what "literally" means, Theo) and he reaches over for her. She keeps covering her face and screaming, "Oh, God!" as if the dare is to let James kiss her where the phone rings. "No limit!" Theo shouts in Msaada's ear. People are telling her to relax. They are still in an elevator. They remind her that she's going to earn money for kissing James and to just think of the money that she'll get out of this. I can think of another profession that uses that theory to get girls to be intimate with men. Someone shouts, "Start!" as soon as they see James begin to caress Msaada's face. They lean in and give the most uncomfortable kiss I've seen since Matt Damon mashes the hell out of Charlize Theron's upper lip in the trailers for The Legend of Bagger Vance. It looks like they're trying to blow air into each other's mouths. In fact, at one point, James starts winning and you can see air from his mouth puff up Msaada's cheeks. This is the worst kiss in television history, but the other kids are squealing like they've got live porn going on in the world's longest elevator ride. Ew.

Road Rules

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