Road Rules
Letting Out The True Feelings

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Theo stands up and gives his Harry Houdini idea. Except he's sassed it up with a "funky preacher" and some shovels. He says that everyone is afraid of death. Vince says that it's a good idea, but you know, they could DIE while doing that, and B/M doesn't have enough of money to go around to insure them. Vince tells Theo that he'll have to research it, but he likes it. Research? Whatever, dude. That mission will never happen.

Kathryn stands at the front of the class and announces her idea like she's a motivational speaker. "How many of you are married? Okay. Who's afraid of commitment?" Kathryn raises her own hand. Vince asks, "What kind of commitment?" "Commitment!" Kathryn says, because he's going off her script. Her proposal is "Who wants to marry a Road Ruler." Clearly, Kathryn didn't consult any of the rest of the cast before coming up with her scathingly brilliant idea, because they are not pleased at all. "We go to Vegas. Las Vegas. Like, the town of cheap, fast marriages. Find someone who is willing to marry us for twenty-four hours." This seems scary only to the people that have to marry these assholes. Kathryn says that if within in that twenty-four hours, someone wants a divorce, then they fail the mission. Vince says that twenty-four hours isn't really much of a commitment, unless they are going to have sex with their new spouses. The Mission Panel says they need to discuss the ideas and "talk amongst [them]selves," (read: ask B/M what the mission will really be) and that the cast should go wait outside.

As they walk back to the Winnie, James floats that they need to "step up" now because they've failed too many missions.

It's dark now, and James dials up the Mission Board on the car phone. "The Mission Board...The Mission Board talked to the Road Master, and we've decided to accept one of your missions." Theo brings in his lucky bag of dirt from the back, all ready to sack up. They like Kathryn's idea, and they want them to get married. "But here's the deal: you all have to marry each other. You all have to marry someone else in the group." We immediately switch to floaty Brady Bunch cam as everyone gives their reactions. "You've got to be kidding," Holly snots. James: "I've never been born with a very good vocabulary, but, uh, insanity, dude." I have to lie down for a few moments because the blood from my eyes was getting my spacebar all sticky. Fuck, look at that sentence again. "I've never been born with a very good vocabulary, but, uh, insanity, dude." Did these people finish high school? Kathryn shows off her grammar skillz with, "It may have been my mouth that opened before I thought and said, 'Hey, let's go to Vegas and get hitched.'" This is the same video-editing tool that they use here in Austin to sell cable. "I think this wedding idea is awful!" Theo whines. Msaada smiles and says, "There is no hell...I am going to do this." Laterrian busts out with, "I have no desire to marry Kathryn, even if it's for pretend." Kathryn looks right at us and tells us not to screw this one up because it's their final mission. Laterrian isn't done, however, and ends with, "And I think I would rather drink my own piss and jump off a building than marry Holly." Dammit, Laterrian! Where were you when they were talking to the Mission Board? Drinking your own piss and jumping off a building? Now that takes sacking up, dude! Do you have to drink the piss while you're jumping? Man! That's HUGE.

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Road Rules




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