Road Rules
Letting Out The True Feelings

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Fit To Be Tied

Next week on Road Rules: trouble in paradise. The honeymoon period is over before they even say "I do," and the kids are fighting through their bachelor parties, fighting over what the wedding will look like, what they'll wear, and who they'll marry. Then they totally ruin the end by showing who is marrying whom and having the group throw up a sack of coins in glee. So much for any sort of suspense.

This show never ends. During the closing credits, Ann asks Theo who he'd eat if all of the cast members were in a plane crash and he had to eat someone to survive. Theo licks his lips, and the girls start squealing. "Somebody's gotta go," he drawls. He says he'd eat Msaada. "You'd eat me?" "I've never had any, like, South Central food, or like food from the surrounding area." "Dark meat, okay." Theo says he didn't say that. James asks why she's got to make this racial. "Yeah, why you gotta make it racial, baby?" Msaada laughs and reminds us all that Theo wants to eat her, and James wants to sleep with her. She's the luckiest girl at the ball! "I'm feeling good about myself today!" she shouts.

My phone rings. "Hello?" "Hi." "Oh, God, stee. Hi." "You just finished, didn't you?" "Yeah. It was awful. I'm sorry I ever gave you shit about only having a half-hour show. It took just as long as the hour-long recaps. Why do they all talk at the same time? Why is there so much yelling? Why don't they speak English? What's with all of the stickers all over themselves?" "Shh. Shh. It's okay. It's okay, baby, they're all gone now. It's all over." "Oh, stee, but they just kept talking and bickering and what is up with that Road Master thing? Is that supposed to be funny or scary? Why don't any of them have names that are easy to type?" "You did a great job, I'm sure. Don't worry." "I'm so glad you'll be back home tomorrow so I don't have to do the final episode next week. I'm just so happy to be done with this one. I'm just sitting back, having a beer and a cigarette, and feeling so happy about click!]" "Stee! Stee! Fucker."

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Road Rules

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