Road Rules
Letting Out The True Feelings

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Fit To Be Tied

The music changes to soft-porn soundtrack as we watch James gingerly wash himself in the shower. They fuzz out his crotch. The female guest opens the door, leans into the bathroom, smiles and purrs, "Did you use any of my lotions or anything?" She rolls her tongue around the inside of her cheek as she looks down at his crotch. I swear I'm not making this up. He says he just cleaned himself off. As he stands and talks to the blonde, the camera pans down to James' chest. His nipples have been circled in Sharpie, and the words "Suck These" are written in the middle of his chest, with arrows pointing up to his circled nipples. Who wrote that on him? Theo? Man, this show leaves me confused. "As long as you're clean," she says. "Want me to shave your back?" He respectfully declines. Dude, that could have been another dare completed right there. A total stranger shaving your back in her shower while you're naked? These kids are idiots. James thanks the strangers and walks out still wet. The blonde licks herself again and offers a towel, but James has had enough and runs out. The entire family seems to have no problem with Mom drooling over the frat boy in their bathroom.

Graphic of Stupid informs us that Theo's dare is to "DO A 30 SECOND STRIPTEASE." Theo grabs a phone from the bathroom, holds the receiver in one hand and the phone in the other, and growls, "Yeah." The Graphic of Stupid adds a Part II: "FOR ANOTHER CAST MEMBER."

Cut to Theo topless, with a phone cord around his chest like a sash. Now, I'm new to Theology, but I'm trying to learn the language. Here's what it sounds like he says: "Today's Truth or Dare Day. Now it's time for the big Deezee, the Big Dare, and uh, and I don't have any choice but to literally ball out of control." Oh, God. If he's going to literally "ball out" I suggest some of you close your eyes this instant. Theo walks into the main room wearing a sheet like a toga and offers "the latest in Roman telecommunications." He starts demanding that everyone clap for him instead of using their hands to hide their faces and giggle. Theo begins to wiggle and as someone shouts, "Go, Theo!" the sheet falls from his shoulder. Oh. God. There's a phone in Theo's ass. He's got the receiver stuck in his crack and the main part of the phone attached to his crotch. I can't tell if it's all held together through tape or a jock. It's really hard to see when you're hiding behind your cat. They are blurring the hell out of Theo's crotch, as I guess he might have been trying to reach out and touch someone. Theo grabs Msaada and pulls her into a bedroom as we hear him voice-over, "Basically, I'm pretty much like a walking 900 line." Topless, Theo floats in front of the other embarrassed kids and gives an Arsenio fist in the air while smiling, "It's just, 'Who wants to dance?'" "The Thong Song" starts up in the background as Theo begins giving Msaada her own private dance. With three other people in the room watching. And the camera man. And the sound guy. Ooh. Theo has a nice butt. I'm not kidding. There's this profile shot here of him strutting around, and I'm fixing to call up 1-900-YES-THEO. "We're sorry. The number you called has been changed. Please dial 1-900-HIK-FUCK." They close in on Theo's crotch as he shimmies his chest on the phone cord. Y'all, I shouldn't be this worked up over Theo. I know this is wrong. But dammit, I refuse to be right. He's hot, yo. They did something to his hair or something. Oh, it might be because he's not talking.

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Road Rules

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