Road Rules
Marching To Sorrow

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It's a beautiful day outside. Gorgeous. For reasons I don't understand, I choose Road Rules and a donut instead of a bike ride or Frisbee in the park. No wonder America is so damn fat.

"Previously..." We see the kids dancing, while Shane whine-overs that it sucks to be with everyone on the trip while they're all hooked up and he's alone. We see him, very much alone. Flashback: Shane gets yelled at by the cadets. His head is in his butt, we learn. Shane laughs as Rachel camera-talks that he's getting them demerits.

Credits. The stunts. The incomprehensible song. The naked. Eric with a pineapple over his balls. I'm sure he could have done fine with a regular apple. Like a Granny Smith. Or a plum. Shane grabs Sarah's boobies. Neither of them feels a thing. It looks like Kendal hides her pussy with Eric's head. She's done it before, but usually his head is facing the other direction. Falling. The kids. Alligator. Really, the song is a train wreck with bad scratching and non-singing. I really want to see a tape of the meeting where the "creative" staff played the song for B/M and they were like, "Yes! That's the one!" If we ever needed evidence of both B/M's total apathy when it comes to Road Rules and its horrible taste, this song, from Season Eleven, is it. But then again, it would just serve as Item 4,571 in that pile of evidence.

A field. They're sucking the pee out of the RV tank as Kendal calls for Eric, the pee sucker; in the grass, Rachel and Darrell play a game of Tackle The Person You'd Never Fuck In Real Life But Will Because There Are No Other Choices. Shane camera-bitches about the two couples -- while we see Kendal showing Eric what looks to be a fleck of poo on her hand, and Shane, sadly, walking to join them because he's so lonely. Shane says he doesn't want them to have these deep connections (yes, these two couples are the epitome of "deep") to the exclusion of himself. Not that he gives a shit about Sarah, who sadly sits on a bench alone.

Shane joins Darrell and Rachel on the field. They are going to do sit-ups, and Darrell says that they can do either his or Rachel's routine. Shane, the ass that he is, Paul Lyndes that he's seen both of their stomachs, and he'll chose to do Darrell's, thank you very much. Shane, unbelievably, then camera-talks that he doesn't mean any insult, but it's just "reality." Now Rachel tells us that she thought it was very unnecessary. She confronts Shane, the whole time pushing Darrell's legs back down; Shane really can't grasp that Rachel would be actually upset. Rachel goes on to tell us that Shane needs to be sensitive when he talks to the girls about their bodies. Yes, the girls on the show -- such fat pigs. It's unbelievable that Shane can be so clueless as to how to talk to girls. Gay or straight, we men are pretty fucking stupid when it comes to that. Rachel tells a story about Shane grabbing Kendal's "fat" and making her sad. Rachel goes on to say that "as confident and as pretty as we both are..." (which is pretty funny), they're both sensitive. Of the many reasons this is funny, one of which is that she's deftly cuts Sarah out of the conversation, when it comes to grouping them as pretty and confident. Sarah, gone. Hee.

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Road Rules

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