Road Rules
Marching To Sorrow

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Now the four jog, without Eric. Kendal is hurting, so the boys go ahead while the girls walk. You know they just want to talk shit...which they immediately start doing. Rachel starts camera-talking that you have to be patient with Shane and that he can insult you without even thinking. The girls, walking, talk about how Shane is really self-centered and doesn't think. Kendal says it's sad how much Shane wants somebody and how it's making him bitter. Yeah, because you have the prize that is Eric, honey. Congratulations, Kendal. By the way, the girls are walking on some scary Blair Witch two-lane highway in the middle of the Ozarks or some shit. If there wasn't a camera following them, those girls would be dead, wrapped in plastic by now.

RV. The kids get a NEXTEL DIRECT CONNECT clue in which the poor B/M Girl asks them if they're ready to "suck it up." They are all more than ready to start sucking. (In fact, they started sucking a long time ago.) The recorded message fools them as they keep answering her. She directs them to Clark Atlanta University. Darrell is very psyched. Suddenly, DOMINO'S PIZZA delivers. And, that plug out of the way, they move on.

The hysterical Chorus of Yos from the song "Welcome To Atlanta" starts as the kids drive the RV into the titular city. (Hee. I said "titular.") They arrive at the campus to find students practicing a step show. Sarah sees all the black people dancing, and declares it "nuts." She then camera-blahs that she didn't even know what stepping was until now. The Mayors show up with the money. The kids think they're winning it this time. Eric then camera-tools that he saw six step groups rehearsing, but instead he shows his big stupid All-American teeth and babbles on about, "hitting it...bouncing it...shaking that ass." And as he's saying this, he's swaying a little bit, in a very sad way, trying desperately to make someone -- the cameraman, anyone -- think he's cool. Only Kendal bites. Only Kendal.

The Mayor -- who looks like Q-Tip -- welcomes them. Shane smiles. Kendal smiles. There are four Mayors: Chris and Drew, and then Two Girls whose names I won't even risk butchering. Everyone is good-looking and welcoming. Way more welcoming than I would be if the Road Rules crew came onto my campus. Although, my college's campus was the streets of New York, and I would have been drunk at the time, so it would have been a whole different scene. Chris brings out their "competition" in the step show, and six overly eager kids run out. Oh, it's the MTV.com kids! Whee! If people on Road Rules are losers, the MTV.com kids are like the sub-losers. Below The Losers. It's really quite a thing to be. Sarah makes some joke about not knowing what MTV.com is and then one of the MTV.com kids -- Sam, this guy who looks like Yaphet Kotto -- asks if they're ready to lose. Sarah recounts this to us, going all floppy-neck, in her sad imitation of a black person, I guess, which -- like most imitations of black people done by a white person -- serves only to make her look whiter than ever. Sarah adds that from then on, they hated the MTV.com kids. For their part, the MTV.com kids look miserable. Chris Mayors on, trying to front that stepping is "very serious," and tells them they're wasting valuable training time. A girl talks about what stepping is -- synchronized movements of hands and feet -- and tells them that all the frats and sororities here do it. They also say that the winner will get the $6,000. The kids fake-clap, pretending to be psyched. They all look like they need naps already. I know I do. Maybe I'll just have another donut.

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Road Rules

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