Road Rules
Marching To Sorrow

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Now the kids are in this awful high school-looking theatre on stage, learning their routine. They're terrible. It's a plane crash. Their coaches flinch. Shane camera-tools that he thought this would be easy, but it's hard. More laughing at the kids. Shane just wants to watch it. Now Sarah camera-talks, her face all big and enthusiastic in the camera, that this is her event -- that it's her chance to prove to her team that she's not the total useless waste of space America (okay, the five hundred people in America who watch the show) thinks she is. It's all kind of sad and cute at the same time as Sarah says that it has a "performance element" -- and as she says it she kind of wiggles, indicating, I guess, "performance." She concludes that performing is one of her strong suits. The girls do a bit of the routine and don't suck. "It's my time to shine!" Sarah tells us, and then she opens her mouth in a smile so big, I jump back, sure she's about to swallow the entire camera and, by proxy, me.

And then in the Band Room, the MTV.com kids practice. Baby Yaphet Kotto is the shouter and leader of the group, chanting as they run through their routine. He camera-talks that he's leading because he's the loudest; he really wants to kick some Road Rules ass. I sort of hope he does. Oh, uh, we meet the other MTV.com kids here. Nicole is this little whorey-looking thing from Houston; she totally half-asses the routine, while Baby Yaphet Kotto kicks butt. The Asian Patricia is quiet and looks embarrassed to be here. She should be. Mike from Georgia reminds me of that cartoon hillbilly Sheriff Horse. I don't know why. Ashley from San Diego camera-blehs that her mission is to kick ass and walk away with the money. Eh. Scott from PA wants us to love him very much. We don't.

Back with our kids. They're chanting as they move.

The MTV.com kids -- back with them.

Then to our kids once fucking again. They step, and then Eric ends by doing that fucking-while-slapping-her-ass thing the kids love so much. He has his shirt off, and he won't stop. Some people laugh, which is just going to encourage the boy. Kendal looks embarrassed as hell, like she swallowed something nasty, which...well, I'm sure she did recently. Rachel then says, "Kendal, never have sex with him." Hee. Now all the boys have their shirts off.

Shane camera-talks that he's worried now. The girls try something out and Shane talks shit about it. They complain that they listened to his ideas. Kendal camera-sluts that Shane puts himself up and puts the others down. The kids are dismissed.

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Road Rules

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