Road Rules
Mission Impossible: Get Shorty

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Get Out Of My Dreams (Get Into My Shasta)

Previously on Road Rules...hm. There is no "previously." I guess B/M realized that no one gave a crap. Or maybe the show's twenty viewers are all reading our recaps instead. In its place, they rerun part of the "Next on Road Rules" from last week. A kid tells them that their mission is to "prank The Real World." Melissa (from B/M's favorite show) crabs into her cell phone, "Is this some Road Rules bullshit? Cuz I don't want to play." Julie the Mormon dies of a laughter-induced seizure. The city of Salt Lake mourns, but then quickly goes back to having sex through a hole in a sheet.

The Shasta is illegally and thoughtlessly parked on a residential street, probably on some kid's Big Wheel, as we see the helpful and always oh-so-clever segment graphic, "Get Shorty." Inside, the blue light flashes. Oh, damn it! Damn it all to hell! I thought that since the Road Master was absent last week, perhaps the B/M-holes had come to their senses and edged him off the show. But now I see they were just toying with us. Like James toying with my affections last week, calling me "baby" all the time. Holly, wearing Mardi Gras beads, sits on the top bunk and quickly shovels something into her mouth, trying either to seduce the cameraman she yelled at last week, or to make sure he doesn't try to steal her food. The mood in the RV makes it look as though the kids have finally had about enough of the Choad Master. So the lame actor comes on the screen and asks, "Have you ever done something that wasn't allowed? Like getting caught with your pants down...Theo!" Theo, screams, hides, and then kills a chicken in sacrificial appeasement to the "Scary TV God." (Theo here is also wearing tons of beads, which leads me to a chronological epiphany: This episode might have been shot right after Mardi Gras, which I assume will be an episode in of itself -- at least on The Real World. They are in New Orleans, after all. But why not at least explain or edit around the beads (and, yes, I know tourists in general buy beads there. But still, it's quite disconcerting. Especially the huge beads Theo wears. Then I think of the method by which most girls get the beads in the first place, and shudder to think how Theo got his.) "Remember the time," the Road Master lames on, "with you and the girl across the street." So as he babbles, Kathryn kinda vaguely smiles, but B/M edits in tons of little disembodied giggle noises, trying to carry on the façade that anyone in the Shasta gives a shit about the Road Master anymore, or his little games...or the notion of Theo with his pants down, for that matter. They get split-screen on us as the staring Theo hits his personal Slack-Jaw Best with a record five inches between gapped top teeth and bottom lip. "Oooh, that was bad. That was pretty rough," Theo whispers, like Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense. "I see rednecks." The Road Master continues. "Well, breaking the rules is not only allowed, it's required." Theo goes, "Whoa," and James, Laterrian, and Kathryn look on, bored. Yeah yeah, they have to check their email. We get the whole thing. Now go on and say your catch phrase...there you go. "Nighty-Night." Yeah yeah, you too, sweet-cheeks. You too.

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Road Rules

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