Road Rules
My Louisiana

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How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count The "Dude"s

Previously on Road Rules…no previously. But instead, a "Next Up On…" Split screen shots of little parachuted airplanes. Some man is going to teach the kids to fly the planes. Kathryn is so scared she is about to urinate. Theo tells someone to "kick some atmospheric ass." Kathryn is flying, and teacherman, via walkie-talkie, says, "Talk to me, Kathryn," all dramatic and shit. And cut.

Yes, Road Master, we know that this time things are a little different. Thank you for telling us week after week in your intro. Intro's over, and the Shasta rolls as the Graphic of Stupid reads, "My Louisiana." Oh crap. Crap. We know who the "my" is here. It's Theo. "My Louisiana": incomprehensible statements, five-hundred "dudes" per minute, and mild bigotry. Seriously, B/M editors, are you reading this? If you are, please stop with all the multi-screens and the reverse-reflection shots of the Shasta driving into itself and shit. Please? I was impressed by those graphics on American Bandstand in 1986, but not anymore. Yes, of course -- the first shot is of Theo lying in the moving Shasta, reading something. (Here's a good example of the crack B/M editing: the establishing outside shot of the Shasta shows the thing driving at dusk. But now inside, we see that it is bright daylight outside. Seriously, not one post-production class and I know not to do that.) "I kinda feel like I'm my own family," says Theo. Judging from his inbred roots, he's probably his own grandpa, too. Floaty Theo goes on to say that his dad was older and died at age eighty-six when he was sixteen. Damn! His father had Theo when he was seventy. Okay, that explains a few things. Theo looks like he's writing poetry (maybe copying some Whitman down for Laterrian?) as a Scaryteeth, Blue Cheek-Starred Holly (she's back to blue, which is a good sign, yes?) floats that, "Theo was emancipated when he was fourteen. He had a family life that didn't satisfy what he needed." How much does this smack of Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club? "My home-life…is unsatisfying." I half expect her to say, "You never know when you're going to have to jaaaaam." Theo babbles about having left his house without having a place to stay; he lied and made bad decisions -- like agreeing to be on Road Rules?

So in the one semi-seamless edit so far (Huzzah, boys!), we're suddenly in a restaurant, with the six eating and Theo continuing to talk about how his relationship with his mom is strained and how though she now says, "I love you," he doesn't feel that he really learned that from her. Laterrian says, "By the time, like, you got at the age that you could recognize…" and something about Theo's parents loving each other, and then licks the last of his rum and Coke off his straw, hoping to entice Kathryn back into the bathroom with his combo sensitivity/L.L. Cool J-type oral prowess, but it doesn't work. Theo continues to yodel about not being able to recognize or trust honest affection in relationships. "Somebody will tell me they love me -- that just doesn't make any sense to me." Doesn't make sense to me either, Theo.

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Road Rules

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