Road Rules

Episode Report Card
Stee: B | 301 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
We're Whining On The Marrakech Express

Some town. Bells ring, and singing comes from a loudspeaker throughout the city. People walk in slo-mo. The RV is parked. The kids get a message on their crazy cell phone. It's their recovery mission. Missy Elliott plays as they read that they have to drive to a place called Fes, and their GPS will lead them to their crest. As they read the instructions, they read out the name of the GPS maker, continuing the wonderful tradition of B/M commercial spot bullshit. I would call them sellouts, but from what would they be selling out? Adam voice-overs that he'll do whatever it takes to make sure no one has to get the boot. Jisela then voice-overs that she's already preparing herself to get the boot. Good. The kids have parked in an empty-looking area while Jisela babbles on the possibility of someone else failing and whether that means she would still get the boot. Yeah, probably. The kids walk.

The Six of Suck arrive in some ruins. They don't know what they're looking for, so they just wander around. Ellen is wearing short shorts. The girl does not learn. Finally, in a very staged shot, Adam and Ellen sit by a hole and yell, "C'mere. We've found something." We get a shot from a camera down the hole, I guess (though they then don't even use the camera to get a shot during the actual mission), of a snake guarding the crest. Adam floats that he hates snakes, but that he'll go do it anyway. He gets scared and jumps back out and a rock becomes dislodged and hits him in the head. Hee. Of course, knowing stupid-ass B/M, we don't get a shot of any of this, and rather we just get Adam emerging, a tiny trickle of blood on his nose. Oh whatever, he's fine. Burn your hands off, and then come talk to me. I do still hope someone dies on one of these shows and B/M gets sued and they have to go live in a box. With Steve. Anyway, Steve goes down, and screams, but throws the piece of the crest up. They complete their mission, and Steve emerges, happy. Music plays, but no one cares. We get a montage, because this episode was just that goddamn exciting, as Sophia tells us again what we saw this week and how great they are, and superimposed we get a shot of the word "Determination" from the "ancient" crest piece. She says, "Now that's determination." Oh, fuck off. Really. Bring back the Semester at Sea, even. Jisela then voice-overs again about the Quest for the Crest being about their collecting virtues it takes to make a person and then they'll become whole, or some shit. I don't know. Jisela talks to the camera, saying that she came in thinking she was going to rule, but now she learned her weaknesses and "Road Rules is going to help [her] deal with that." God. This show. Killing me already. Why not at least give me a few weeks before you take me down?

Road Rules

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