Road Rules
Quest For The Crest

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We're Whining On The Marrakech Express

Now it's night, and Jisela weeps that her body wasn't built for the desert. Sophia says, "But it was built for sweet lovin', hot mama." No, she just says that Jisela's body has to get used to it. Man, I've used that line on a lot of girls before. Anyhoo. Sophia urges her not to give up. Great. Great pep talk. Some dude brings out food, and everyone digs in. Jisela is weeping on the floor with a plate of paste. Ellen floats that Adam has been? The group leader? And how happy? She is? That he's there? She likes him. Adam then floats that he wants to rappel in Ellen's crack and visit her vertical limit. Jisela continues to eat on the floor and then weeps. She voice-overs that this is the worst day of her life and that she failed within herself, whatever that means, and that her self-esteem is now zero. I don't know exactly what the problem is. She failed a mission. Shit. If every cast member who failed a mission broke down crying...oh yeah, most of them do. Never mind. Jisela continues to weep, and Sophia tries to talk her down. Then Ellen says that she's decided for Jisela that she's not going home. Jisela continues to cry, oddly somehow not comforted by stupid Ellen's stupid words. She weeps more. Night. I hope the camels wise up and run away during the night.

Morning. Sleeping bags. Tents. Gear. Jisela says that she woke up feeling better and is not going to go home. Well, not yet, at least. Steve says that he was up talking late to Ellen. He and Blair complain about the cold, but acknowledge that it's going to get hot later. Stunning dialogue B/M has chosen to include. We see Ellen doing her makeup as Steve floats that Ellen is "high-maintenance." Uh, you think? The kids eat pancakes and bananas as they figure out they have to get to mark 3 now. Mark 4, Adam hopes, is the RV. I hope it's a firing squad, but that's doubtful. Jisela puts on deodorant. Good. Steve floats that half the camels already hate Ellen; they squabble over camels as Steve goes on that Ellen's need for things to go her way is going to cause problems. Adam tells a camel to "shut up." Dude, it's his desert, not yours. Ellen falls off her camel. Man, that was funny. She doesn't cry, because at least she's getting attention and that's all that matters, after all. Blair laughs at her. They have until sunset to get to mark 4, we learn. Locals wish the kids good luck, and promptly split up the shit they stole from them during the night.

Camel-hiding montage. Blair bitches that the desert never ends. When he was fat, the dessert never ended. Ellen's camel gets stuck on his rein, and Adam stops and untangles it. Ellen floats once a-fucking-gain that Adam is taking the lead and helping everyone and "that's really cool." Just fuck him already. God. More riding. Steve tells us that his camel loved him, and that he rarely even used the reins. Then Adam gets all Zen on us, and tools about people racing through life and the pace of the camels made him slow down and appreciate the beauty of Ellen's ass...rather, the desert. The kids come to mark 3. Everyone cheers. Then they keep walking. I don't get it. The B/M editing staff. Fucking with us. And loving the static shots of the kids riding. So much, they love it. It goes on. Which is great for me. More, please. The Jangly Guitar of Road Rules's Inferiority Complex plays as the kids arrive at their RV. They cheer; Ellen thinks it's a mirage. Ellen's brain is a mirage. I guess it's neither a Winnie nor a Shasta, because it says "Tioga." I guess I'll just call it an RV. Tioga? I don't know. We'll see. (Did you like my little rhyming poem? Thanks.) Adam climbs on top and cheers, claiming the RV for boring guys everywhere. Ellen hugs Adam. They all hug. Ellen has the keys for some reason. It hasn't been raided, which I find hard to believe.

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Road Rules

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