Road Rules
Revenge In The Bush

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Cry, The Beloved Country: They Haven't Left Yet!

Previously on Road Rules: Msaada driving the short bus, while Music of Discord plays. Msaada yells, "Shut up. I don't want to hear anybody's mouth." Quick shots we've never seen before of The Blondes looking sad. A black-and-white James yells at Holly and threatens to bite the head off his water bottle. (And what a vicious threat that is.) Laterrian sad. Theo sad. James listening to music. Msaada floats in front of the moon, "The spirit of the team is kind of at a low right now, and it doesn't look very good."

And in true Lenny and Squiggy fashion, right after "it doesn't look very good," we get, "I'm the Road Master!" "Hello," indeed. A year ago my old VCR broke in a very strange way -- it started playing everything backwards. So for a lark I pulled it out of the closet (reaching past James and Theo) and played the Road Rules intro on the machine. And though it's usually hard to transcribe backwards speeches, I was stunned to find it all very clear and easy to make out: "To anyone who views this show, I, the Road Master (my real name is Jacob Schlotnick and I can be hired via the Mary Rose Agency in Los Angeles), have a message from Bunim/Murray: 'We are very sorry you're watching our show. It started out as a good idea but quickly turned bad; however, MTV is very desperate for programming and keeps renewing it. Shit, we haven't even watched the show since season three. During the Semester at Sea, our company worked out a deal with the Tennessee state penal system in order to get cheap post work done and teach prisoners a trade. Thus, the show you are watching now has been edited solely by inmates on cellblock F of Sheldrake County Prison. We assure you that no murderers or child molesters have access to the editing equipment. Again, we're really sorry, but then again, what is it about you that makes you continue to watch this flaming bag of poo each week? Ask yourself that before you start casting stones. In closing, sorry, but dude: Turn the channel or something. Peace. Bunim and Murray.'"

Theo sits on the ground of some South African hotel room, surrounded by the rest of the cast. Recently, the kids have actually been given an official African name by some of the locals: Mjaaybobbatunday. It means, "They who won't fucking go home already." Theo says, staring at the laptop, "Lights. Camera. Clue." Well, I can believe Theo might have two of the three. Road Master, whose shtick now elicits barely even a smile from the once giddy kids, hams, "It is I, Road Master. Who would have ever thought that in the middle of South Africa you'd come face-to-face with bad karma?" Well, they didn't think they'd come face-to-face with bad acting, either. The Bloated One says something about grabbing their blow darts, and continues, "The enemy is near. And they vow revenge." Just then, agents from the Center For Quality Television enter the hotel room and drag the six out kicking and screaming. Theo reads from email, " The Real World has returned to claim their beloved Shorty."

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Road Rules

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