Road Rules
Rollin Rollin

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Now in the boys' room, a cadet yells at Shane that he slammed a door, and that for someone who cost his team "fifteen doggone demerits" (oh, trying so hard not to swear) he shouldn't be slamming doors. Shane then camera-talks that he's smiling and they don't like him very much. Hee. Darrell is pissed, but Shane can't help it. They talk about the girls, saying they're having a bad time.

Now in the girls' room, Sarah states the obvious: that she is physically unable to do many push-ups; she shows off her puny arms. Rachel then giggles that she can't understand them, and Kendal says she wants to say, "Could you please slow down and enunciate, Sir." They laugh as Kendal says she hates this, and they all hate it, and she's starting to realize that the three girls are all really starting to get along. (Be careful with the Sarah-love, girl. It's kind of like getting too attached to the turkey you're fattening up for Thanksgiving dinner.) Rachel then says that, on a mission like this, you really bond, and that she's loving the two girls right now because they're her relief. Okay, isn't this the part, in the women's military movie, where the girl cadets get naked and do each other? I swear that's what's supposed to happen here.

Six in the morning. Taps plays. The mean cadets bum rush the kids' rooms and bang pots and yell as the kids get dressed. Shane laughs. ManlyRusskie advises the girls that they'd best get their rooms in order because they're going to get inspected later.

Now outside in the rain in fatigues, people are yelling at the kids when a fucking creepy old dude comes out. This is Colonel Powers. He obviously wants nothing to do with this shit. I don't blame him. Someone tells him that the Road Rules kids are ready for inspection. He eyeballs Eric and gives him one demerit for a crappy shoe shine. He yells for Shane to get his shoulders back -- Shane is standing all crazy uncomfortable. Powers gives him one demerit for his boot lacing and one for having a necklace on. He also gets one for his hat. Rachel then camera-talks that she thinks Shane might lose the mission for them on demerits.

Now in the rooms, we go back and forth between the girls' and boys' rooms. Everyone gets a demerit for not buttoning all buttons when they hang up their clothes. The boys finally get three demerits for a dirty sink, then the Colonel has had enough and bails. The boys relax the minute he leaves, but worry that they have one hundred demerits. I wish I could just run around giving people demerits. I give B/M one million demerits for each season of Road Rules. I also give my cat twenty-five demerits for puking this morning. My gardener gets fifty demerits for putting in a faulty sprinkler controller. I give the pollen that's making me sneeze thirty-five demerits. Also, I give Blue Cross four million demerits for constantly raising my rates and Barry Sonnenfeld gets three thousand demerits for making Men in Black II so lame. While I'm at it, I'll give that woman who drowned all her kids one billion demerits, because that shit just ain't right.

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Road Rules

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