Road Rules
Sad Goodbyes

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Hit The Road Jack

So this is it, folks. You guys have bravely stuck with me, while not even B/M watch the thing anymore. I would like to think they read the recaps, however, but I'm not sure they know how to read. And at the risk of sounding like I'm dropping names, it seems fitting that in three hours I'm meeting Msaada for coffee. It's been a year, and I still miss that season more than you can imagine. What I wouldn't give for a little Theo right now...okay, that didn't come out right. Oh, and I thought of a few other things more emotionally affecting than this final episode: stubbing a toe. The restaurant being out of pie. Having to do laundry. "Closing Time" by Semisonic. Someone you don't know and never have even heard of having a bad day somewhere. Toast.

So the kids have just finished their boot-camp thing and they're driving through the mud, joking around, and Steve is camera-talking that they're camping in these two big 'ol tents for the night before continuing the next part of their mission. They're preparing for an "evacuation" flight from their fake country of Snackland (or so the captions tell me it's called, and it sounds like a really cool place to be) back to McGuire Air Force base. As the kids fuck around and hang up clothes, Steve floats that he was raised on bases and did the whole moving-around-constantly thing, and as Sophia tries to hug and kiss him, Steve goes on to say that the end of this thing won't affect him as much as it will the others because he's used to leaving people. In other words, he's trying to prepare for us to not think he's a asshole when he doesn't cry because everyone sucks and he's glad to leave them. This Army-brat thing is a cover. As the others frolic and kiss and hug in the background, Steve lies on the cot, continuing to float about not being too sad and hopes and dreams and closing chapters and clearing his throat, since the lies are getting caught back there.

Now in the background, Adam hits Ellen in the face with a plate or something and she screams and laughs and Steve stops camera-talking and says, "That's the most disgusting relationship I've ever seen by man. Seriously. Ugh! It makes me puke. Ugh! It's not even a relationship. It's, 'I make fun of you and then you have sex with me. I'm going to demean you as much as possible in public...and then you give me oral sex.' How does that work?" Quite nicely, if you're Adam. Now The Disco Music of Some B/M Editor Missing Queer As Folk A Little Too Much starts as Adam pushes Ellen into the mud outside. She screams, loving it. He has her down in the mud and he's actually rubbing mud on her face and making "spa" jokes and she says, "Dude, you know you're going to be licking this off later," and just maybe Adam is putting mud places we can't see it, in that case. Adam says, "I only do this because I love you." The sight of a shirtless man wearing camouflage pants pushing a girl down in mud and saying "I only do this because I love you" makes me think I'm watching COPS or a Judith Light TV movie, not Road Rules. Now everyone hugs in the tent and switches off and then there's a big group hug.

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Road Rules

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