Road Rules
Sad Goodbyes

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Hit The Road Jack

Now at the hangar, they all camera-talk about their handsome reward and how excited they are. I hope the hangar is fucking empty. I'm pretty sure they're totally just fucking around now because they say they're ready to faint and then they all chant Road Rules and they're just treating it all like a goof, I think. They cruelly make the kids continue to stand outside the hangar as we go to commercials.

So the hangar opens and they run in to find six SUVs. Everyone is psyched. They are Suzuki somethings. The kids get in. They laugh. They goof. Ellen tells Katie it's a V-6. They make the kids sit in the vehicles and do little mini-commercials where they say what a nice car it is, but Suzuki is not paying me, so I'm not going to talk about it. Ellen says she's a horrible driver. They make the kids wear Suzuki caps. The kids drive out in a line.

New York. Sirens. Music. The kids are packing at a hotel. Adam is sad. They hug. Sophia says she has to say goodbye to everyone because she lives right there in New York; she floats that they've been through a lot, and she'll email Katie, and Blair loads her bag in a limo (where is her Suzuki -- stolen already?) More hugs. Hugs. She continues that she's spent a "good portion" of her life with these kids (huh?) and she'll miss them. She says she's nervous to come out to her dad, but reality is setting in and she's going. Hugs. Growls. Limo. Gone. One down, suck to go.

Another limo. Adam floats that he's given everyone the best he has to offer and they got the best of Adam (really, no kidding?) and this is the Adam he wants to go home with and he's crying and they're at an airport and he says he doesn't know if he's going to continue to be this Adam he loves when he's back home. Adam is crying. No one else is. Crying. Crying. They're all like, "Leave already." He stops and weeps, "I've had the best time of my life with you guys." Man, Ellen's blowjobs must be fucking fantastic. "Be cool, man," says Blair. Ha. He doesn't care. Ellen is going. Steve floats that something about trust and they're not done with the crest, that they have it inside, and Katie calls Blair "Sandwich" -- which is a good nickname for him. Ellen is now floating some shit about knowing she had it inside her (you mean, Adam's cock?) and there's hugging and Ellen had to prove to herself and everyone else about dealing with people and everyone and love and flying colors. Ellen's gone. Gone. Go. Bye.

Now just Blair and Steve are left, and Blair says, "You taught me a lot, even though most of it was false information, it still sounded really cool, though." They walk away, then stop, call for each other, and run, dropping their bags, and leap into each other's arms. Hee. Okay. That's one of the few genuinely funny moments of this season. The captions say: "(both sob girlishly)." Man, that's funny too. So they laugh and then go. Montage. Montage of stunts. Jumping. Hugging. Walking. Walking. Hugging. Crying. Super 8 footage of the kids in snow. Ellen dancing. Blair doing splits. Now Jisela is floating. Hm. She says the Quest meant a lot to her because it was the first thing she did that her mom didn't want her to do and during this we continue the montage and Jisela says that she learned from this and she didn't make it to the end but she falls and she gets back up. Sophia floats that Jisela is irreplaceable, and that Sophia will miss her every day. We see the day when Jisela left and how sad Sophia was. Jisela floats, "Thank you," and she's crying now and she says, "Thank you for teaching me how to fail." Uh, you're welcome. She says that whatever bad happens to her makes her stronger. Jesus. The. Montage. Continues. Ellen floats that this has been the most "remarkable, astonishing, unbelievable, surreal experience." Jesus. Katie is licking Steve's face. Steve floats that he's going to keep using these virtues and Blair floats that he thanks them for letting him be himself and he loves them all. Adam now. He floats that the quest is not over and it's "an incredible segment" (wha?) and it's not over but is the beginning of great friendships. More Super 8 shots. "It's not easy to be me," says the crap music as we end on a shot of the kids holding the crest in a wheat field.

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Road Rules




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