Road Rules
Snakes, Snakes Everywhere

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Get your bitch on

Okay, so week two, and I’m back. I didn’t jump out the window or beg UPN to bring back Chains of Love. I think I’ll be able to handle this. I think we’re all going to be okay. I think…oh, no. I just saw the beginning of “Previously on…” and my leg started twitching. That can’t be good.

“Previously on Road Rules"…everyone arrived. Hugged. The kids float and explain that this year is different and someone will get the boot if they fail missions. Ladder hanging. Jisela falls. She cries. She ruins everything. Adam and Ellen lie in bed and cuddle and then yell that they’re not doing everything. That was not from last week. It must be from the week I missed. Oh yeah, there has only been one week. Fuck B/M. Then the kids all walk. This is reality television at its finest, folks.

Jesus! Then we get “Tonight, on Road Rules…” Just start the goddamn episode already and get this half hour (it’s only half an hour this week!) over with already. The kids stand in front of some dudes who lift tambourines to reveal cobras. They will be snake charming as their mission. Adam is scared of snakes. He screams and runs away, voice-overing that he’s worried about getting kicked off the show. I’m not. Boot me!

Okay, so we get the opening credits, finally, which start with a voice-over about how they have to eliminate a team member if they fail two missions. The visuals begin, and I guess the “look” of the show this year is sand and weird little geographic line and square and target graphics, with a bunch of Requiem For A Dream film tricks with the film stretching and going to a different grain for “exciting” shots. Right on. I feel you, B/M. We see the Six of Suck while there are shots of various missions, like water wrestling and the ladder of helicopter and sky diving and snake charming and something that looks just like twirling your partner around on your back. There is skinny-dipping and boot-camp stuff and crying and the desert and the put-together crest (of Quest for the Crest fame), and that’s it. I’ll say it again…I miss the Road Master’s bloated hack-actor face. And also, hey, let’s take bets now whether or not things will also be “different” next season. Ten bucks says yes.

Tioga. Driving. Street. Left Eye Ellen floats that the guys are insisting on driving, and she offers two theories on why -- that it’s because it’s Morocco, where women are subservient, or because “guys like to drive.” Dude, I wouldn’t trust Ellen behind the wheel of a bumper car with her gimpy eye, so I’m not sure what she’s talking about. Jisela floats that the guys are leading the group and making decisions and she doesn’t like that. Sitting behind the wheel, she tells Adam, “I am so tired of depending on you guys…I’m going to learn to drive and I’m going to learn to do my own thing, too...” Does that mean she doesn’t know how to drive and wants to, or she just doesn’t know how to drive an RV or what? Maybe she didn’t pass her Moroccan DMV test or something. Does Morocco even have the DMV? Who knows. It’s a mystery that shall remain so. Blair pipes up that they’re not trying to make all the rules. Sophia pipes up that because the guys have a better sense of direction around Morocco and because they can drive, they end up leading. Wait, was Sophia trying to help the girls, because I certainly don’t want to give the wheel to someone who admittedly has no sense of direction and doesn’t know how to drive, either. Thanks for helping, Sophia. Huh. Jisela then confuses the hell out of me by floating that Sophia is on the same page as her. Wha? Jisela, I don’t think she’s even in the same book as you, let alone the same page. And not only because she likes pussy, either. Well, I guess B/M has misled us all, because now Sophia is sitting shotgun while Jisela drives and cheering her on. I give up already. The funny part is that at the same time Sophia is cheering, she reaches over and puts her seat belt on. Good idea.

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Road Rules

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