Road Rules
Snakes, Snakes Everywhere

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Get your bitch on

So Jisela pulls out, and the guys are all making fun of her and taking photos and laughing. Adam gets in her shit about this not being her “Winnie” (it’s not a Winnie, dude) and then laughs, and Jisela starts yelling that Adam is pissing her off. Jisela is obviously not sure about driving as she keeps asking the girls how she is on the right, and then she makes a joke about closing the window in case someone throws a rock. See, that’s what we call a comedic call-back; Ellen’s not laughing. She briefly considers telling everyone she was also molested by her dog when she was fifteen, but decides to hold that trump card until she’s backed into another corner.

So, driving. Jisela gets them stuck behind a burro, and everyone laughs. A terrible B/M Crack Editing Staff fade takes us to a gas station, where Adam begins yelling at Jisela to stop. He jumps out and shows her that she’s about to hit a gas pump, and advises her to “go straight.” Sophia yells, “No, don’t go straight, Jisela!” Jisela gets clear of the pump (she really wasn’t that close) and then floats that Adam made her think she was going to hit a kid. Hey, where’s Steve, by the way? Adam tells Jisela that she’s “done driving,” and Jisela’s voice goes to Rosie-Perez-when-she’s-mad-at-Mookie range and yells, “You’re not my dad, and you’re not going to tell me when I can drive or not!” They continue to argue. Adam floats that he’s only telling her not to drive because she’s a shitty driver, not because she’s a girl. Then Jisela bitches to Sophia; Sophia just stares blankly. Jisela then hypothe-floats that Adam is just mad that he’s met his match and it’s a girl. Yeah, that, or he’s mad because you almost blew up the RV. Either one.

The Music Of Canceling My Cable Today starts playing as we fade to nighttime. I’ll say right now that the timeline on B/M shows is always, always fucked. Trying to figure out when what is happening through use of facial hair or whatever is pointless and annoying, and I’m not going to bother. So even though that driving fight could have been two months in, we’re going to pretend it’s current, because otherwise I would never rest and my little OCD brain would wrap around the timeline problems like last season and sleep would never come and I’d stay up making charts and graphs and drinking to calm the voices, and no one wants that. It’s much easier not to care. Bunim and Murray did it eight years ago. See how relaxed they look? So, night. Some dude who looks like Eugene Levy or Tony Shalhoub playing a weird twitchy scientist enters the Tioga and meekly gives the kids a clue, after someone yells, “Are you kidding me!” apropos of nothing. (It would be nice if he could actually give the kids a clue, but I think they’re beyond that.) Ellen tries to tackle reading and wraps her lips around something about the “Crest of Patience” and encountering an “ancient adversary.” Words are not exactly what she’s used to wrapping her lips around, I’m sure. They are to meet Hamid and Mustapha, or some shit, for tea. Adam then floats for no reason that there’s nothing he won’t do, and he thinks he’s a good leader for the team. Whatever, Adam. Sell yourself to your castmates, not us. We have no power to boot, although we fucking should. Jisela, holding the note, then dumb-ups Ellen by revealing that she has no idea what the word “adversary” means. The kids all dig deep and give wrong meanings, but only Blair can come up with a definition. Man! The brainpower in this rig is awesome. Oh, and there’s Steve. He still hasn’t said a single word yet, but there he is, trying to define the word. I guess his family didn’t have a dictionary in their box when he was a kid. Or maybe they burned it for heat.

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Road Rules

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