Road Rules
Snakes, Snakes Everywhere

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Get your bitch on

Street. Walking. Jisela is talking to Ellen, saying, “Your little bitch-ass boyfriend,” which is very funny -- complaining about him disrespecting Jisela and how she’s had enough of it. Ellen, meanwhile, looks concerned and then floats, “I felt so bad for Adam. He’s used to being the class clown.” Hee. Yes, dear, poor Adam. Left Eye whines for Jisela to stop talking shit about the man she lurves. She floats that Jisela is always on the defensive. Jisela calls Adam a “fucking bitch.” Maybe Jisela needs to be reminded of all she’s done so far on the show: fell off a ladder, failed the mission, cried, cried some more, puked, and ate some sort of Moroccan paste while crying on the floor. She better not use up all her cell phone minutes, because she’s going to need them while waiting in the airport for the long ride back home when her ass gets the boot.

Hotel room. Jisela continues to complain to Blair and Ellen (dude, where is Steve, for real?), and says she tried not to be a bitch but Adam is on her nerves. Adam pokes his head out of the bathroom and Jisela gives him all kinds of hands, asking if she’s talking to him and if Adam is talking because she ain’t hearing and everyone is screaming, and then Jisela breaks three vocal cords yelling, complete with the Springer Hand-Claw Of Seriousness, “Me and you ain’t talking right the fuck now!!!” My cat's ears start bleeding from the Jis-yelling. I have time to swab them out and stop the flow as we fade to commercials.

I aggressively don’t care so much about Jurassic Park III that I actually kinda want to see it. That’s just how deep and complete my apathy is.

Ah, man! Just to piss me off, they play Jisela screaming again and now my ears start bleeding. Ellen then says, “Jisela, would you? Take it down? Like two notches? Like seriously?” Jisela leans back and sticks her tits out and yells, “I’m just not mad the way you are.” She mocks Ellen. Ellen starts cursing. Jisela yells again, saying that she likes to yell. Ellen curses again, also employing the Springer Hand-Claw Of Seriousness -- having last busted it out during the “Baby Ass” fiasco. Finally Blair busts in, but pretty much just tells Jisela to yell whenever she likes. Pussy. Jisela tells Ellen that if she doesn’t like it when Jisela gets mad, don’t piss her off. Good rationale. “Honey, if you know I hit you whenever you don’t cook dinner, just cook dinner and it won’t happen.” Man, I hope they fail this next event just so they can boot Jis-yella. There is no resolution and the scene just ends, and The Bass Of Adam’s Apparent Intestinal Problems plays us out of the shot.

Tioga. Driving. The Graphic Of Stupid informs us that we’re at Palais El Badiaa, where the kids meet their guides for the next mission. Ruins. Pelicans. Trees. The kids are guided through the ruins as crap-ass strings lament my wasted half hour. Abdul and Mustapha are sitting on a carpet. The kids all sit and drink tea. Ellen toasts, “Patience,” but no one repeats it after her, and she meekly looks down. The kids then stand, and the dudes lift up tambourines to reveal three cobras. The cobras go into strike position. I hope B and M are on set and get bit. I ask so little, really. Adam looks ill, and we get all sorts of Requiem for a Dream shots of the snakes, and there are creepy noises as Adam tells a terrible story of been lunged at by a snake once on a camping trip, so he’s afraid of snakes now. The snakes spell out B-O-O H-O-O on the carpet. So I guess there is another Mustapha, because some dude is Graphic Of Stupid-ed as Dr. Mustapha Oroikil, and he assures the kids that he has the anti-venom ready. Naturally, that guy is just an extra, as there is no anti-venom around because the cobras fangs were removed a long time ago. (I’m just guessing, but I doubt even B/M would put the kids in danger like this. Not that they’re moral, mind you. Just that they like money too much to invite a lawsuit.) The guys demonstrate snake charming, and we learn that the kids have to use the drum, flute, or their hands on the snake and be lunged at twice. They argue. They always argue. Jisela compares herself to a snake. I agree.

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Road Rules

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